emotion-wreck-me

Okay summer readers, now I arrived at the point where I seriously considered myself being an emotion wreck.
Sometimes I feel like I'm happy, but sometimes I could cry and wailing like a baby, and other times fury raging in my head like I could kill someone, really. I couldn't point out to anyone how was I feeling right now, because there are so many emotions, like happy, sad, devastated, despondent, angry until I feel all of that and I could burst, and I believe bursting will not giving me any good either. I don't know, at this point I really don't know about me, my life, which one is reality which one is dream, and which one is wistful thinking.
I know I definitely not alone, and people--well some people--will talk and want to talk with me. But the problem is, I don't WANT to, I don't want anyone right now, they have been missing from point 0, so why should I bother? and it just make me realise that I won't have anyone out there, I have to deal with it, deal with my self alone. I could be dead and people would never know or care, because well, out there, life is yours and yours alone, maybe until you find someone worth sharing your life with, but I'm certainly not going to talk about that.
I'm telling you here because, well, I just need this to get out of my mind, and maybe someday people will read this and they will know the reason why I behaved strangely.
This emotion-wreck-me is seriously damaging my self, I seriously think that I have a mental issue and I will go mental in a moments or few, and I came up with this stupid mind twisting question, "are we mental, if we think that we are mental? or are we not, because we could still think that we are mental? or there is a mental-illness about this?"
I think you know the answer, I do have a mental illness, a serious one I think.

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Post Hiatus

It's been ages right? But here I am, right now started to write again for you people.
I've been absent mostly because the modem was broken and well I practically have no charge left in my phone, and well, being on line makes me realise more that I haven't got any university yet and that's crappy.
Anyway, let's get into a more exciting news, I've started to write again! yay! my feeling was so damaged by reading so much of unfinished series and bad ending novels, so I need one to keep me from being a mental because I read too much.
The story is about... well I cannot tell you about it yet, but if I finally could complete this (amen!) I will tell you more. however, I keep imagining the book crush, Nicholas Baudelaire, and he is just so... hot and gorgeous and awesome, even if he only lives inside my head. oh if I have to be with someone I wish I could be with someone like him. well not for the MI6 part! (see it's a bit of spoiler!)
Ohohoh and I started to make a small research from my family's encyclopedia about anything that concerns my writing, see, I'm not that daft and lazy!
And I also started to try reading poetry, for maybe it could gives me some inspiration and something to think about until I got a letter of acceptance.

Well, this is for today, wrap.
I'll write more regularly soon--only if my mother doesn't bug me to help her doing anything. see it's a busy month even for my family!

Post One - Post My Old Life

Hell-o summer readers!

This is like my fourth blog or something like that, but who cares? I'm here to start a brand new me, brand new blog, and a brand new life, as Juli said in their song "Ein Neuer Tag Begin!". or at least I thought so.
My name is Aqila by the way, and if you so much ask me, my full name is Zainab Aqila, but I beg you, do NOT call me Zainab, it's not that I don't like it, it's just, people tend to spell it wrong, like Zaenab (in Javanese), Zeynep (in Turkish), and another God-forsaken-spelling out there. Please, please call me Aqila, unless you are my hot highschool English teacher (I'm not going to tell you HIS name) don't call me Zainab. Okay, I'm babbling about my name, and it's only the prologue, anyway, let's get to a more important matter.

The latter is actually nothing, nada, none, not at all is important in my life right now. You might wondering huh, why am I so much waste your time babbling if I'm not going to tell you anything? So, I'll tell you why, because I have just graduated from high school, and I actually haven't got any university to attend to, because of my taking so much risk to study medicine in Turkiye or what you all called Turkey, or Turki (in bahasa).
Yes, mind you, I'm (God-allows-me) going to study medicine in Turkiye and hopefully, as in so much hopefully, I will get accepted in the best medical school in the country or well, if I'm that desperate, any like in any University that will accept me in their INTERNATIONAL CLASS.

Okay, so what does it has to do with my "nothing-is-important-right-now" attitude, it's because I feel like a piece of crap, like I'm a waste, not that I'm that pessimistic it's just, people around me right now have been accepted in MANY MANY University, and sadly, I'm not one of them. And people like talking shits about being a new student and that crap while I'm still sitting here, waiting a bloody miracle from the ALMIGHTY ABOVE via the e-mail saying that I've been accepted! Well, this is me pitying my self.

I'm not always acting like this, mind you. But sometimes, me being strong and optimistic is just a con like I'm not actually that strong, but I'm a good artist, I'm a really good con artist. And I really do realise that this , and this is what makes my actually pessimistic in everyway possible.

Hey! this is only y first post and I'm actually babbling. sorry, sorry, and I apologise, I get carried away everytime I'm talking about that matter. Anyhow, I'm going to tell you now the reason why I want to start a brand new life and a brand new me, hence the reason I start this brand new blog.

As I said a few sentences above, I'm a good con artist. I've been spending most of my 17 years (well minus infancy) of being a deceit, of trying to fool everyone around me. yeah, you may call me a liar. I've been fooling people when I said I'm brave, I'm good, I'm okay, I'm adapting, I'm accepting. I'M ACTUALLY NOT. When I said I like you, I missed you, I adored you, I'm actually NOT. When I said I want to be a doctor, well it's not really a lie, but it wasn't actually my want, I mean, my parents sort-of-like expecting me to be one, so, how could I actually refuse to be one when I have no objection. The prospect of being a doctor and become a good humble volunteer is something that I cannot refuse.

Well, as you see, my life has been a complete lie, not actually complete, it's just I'm not actually true and honest about me in my own life. It's crazy and sort of like weird, I know. Therefore, it is a good reason to start a brand new life, and a brand new me! Or at least I'm trying for this whole summer so to be a new personage, so perhaps I might as well become a new better person the next season and so many seasons after that.

That's it for today, it's a wrap. I have a sort of like backache after sitting so long, so I will lay down right now, and it's actually late here in Indonesia (well at least for me).

Anyhow, night night readers.