I haven't write much here, and I feel like I was abandoning my pet (well, this shows perfectly that I can't have a pet). My days were actually uneventful, so much that I dunno what's there to write in here. But I really want to write something so, this is it.
A recap for the last few weeks actually... studying studying and studying. Okay, not just studying actually. But we had the committee exam last week, therefore I dedicated most of my days for studying, and a little bit of stressing over things that is not supposed to be stressed over. Well, if you know me, you will know how insecure I am about everything that's going on in my life, so you will let it pass. Anyway, the weird thing is, the last exam, I wasn't actually that nervous, I WAS nervous, just not that much to make me hyperventilate anymore. I sort of like starting to make peace with it. Though, I flunked biochemistry, which by the ways used to be my strongest subject (but most of the class said the questions were impossibly hard, so I may not be the only one who felt idiotic).
Enough with the committee exam, well enough for now, I'll probably post something later regarding the result.
I guess I'm really growing up this year. I have this weird feeling about myself. As Prince Jorg said in the Prince of Thorns (by Mark Lawrence, a book you must read if you like war and throne and that shiz) "When enough days stand between you and the person you were, you're strangers. Maybe that's what growing up is. Maybe I have grown up."
And here I am, as I write this (in the library with cold air and feet smells wafting up in the air) I feel so much different from the girl I was when I arrived in this town of this strange country 5 months ago. I used to pity myself, I used to regret my decision of choosing this major, I used to feel bad of everything. But really, now I think life is just a matter of perspective. I see my life through a new perspective (np: Panic At The Disco!-New Perspective) though still with the same broken glasses.
I accept my life, accept the fact that I live in the city furthest from my dream destination, accept the fact that I'm going to study medicine for the whole six years. I'm no longer depending on the friendship of my own people, I'm starting a new life and I will never look back.
If you said that I'm cruel and I don't miss my perfect highschool life, well you are wrong, I still miss my sort-of highschool friends, I still miss the comfortable life of it, but if I have a choice, I would choose to move on and start this new journey. I'm no longer that girl who afraid of losing friends or anything, because I know I will always have someone, and if they allow me, they will always have me, though not in a fully dependent kind of way.
So, I'm starting to get the hang of this new life of mine. How I meet new people, how they are so entirely different from me, how annoying they are (I specially mention this to you my closest friend in class), but also how it's nice to begin with new things.
Truth be told, I don't even miss my country, I don't miss its humid, overpopulated, untidy towns. I like this place, but I have to go back to that country, because some part of me--by which I mean my family--are there and I STILL miss them.
This, I guess, is one thing that makes me entirely different from my friends. They are so devoted to the country, they still have some patriotic sense. But I've always been like this, ever since I could remember I've always wanted to get the heck out of that country and start a new exhilarating adventure somewhere else. I did tried to reason with my self and tried to find things to love from there, but I guess I wouldn't find any in the near future.
This post is starting to sound cynical, and sarcastic (well have I ever not being sarcastic?) so, sorry for you who actually read this.
Then, another thing that keeps floating in my mind these days is the fact that I don't fit in. I don't fit in with people around me, it's not about being a foreigner, I don't even fit in with my own people. My mind was always somewhere else, my opinion lays somewhere else, my interests are in a different world altogether. But, this is another evidence of me growing up, I have made peace with it. I no longer care about fitting in, I no longer care that I'm the only person who hates weekend, I'm no longer care that I'm a salmon in a school of herrings. See the analogy? I'm a salmon looking my way upstream trapped within a school of herrings, but I will, I'm going to find my way upstream.
I have changed, people, I have grown up. There is no more this phantom ache inside my chest (not my respiration disease obviously) whenever I see my life. and trust me, the feeling is wonderful.
Well then, I guess this is it. Oh, and in a happier and livelier note, I have found a life in the Uni library. I have found a new spot of being alive (by books and free wifi) without people to bug me and all. yeah, I'm totally happier.
So now, I better go back to my Latin study (a long dead obsession that I'm trying to resurrect) I will try to keep you alive, my blog-pet. I will. I guess.
See you soon, and God knows, I love you.
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