When A Star Dies

I didn’t believe it when the news came. I mean, he was so alive, with his visions, his spirits, his love, and his.. life which he no longer had. It was only two years ago when I really get to know him. I had never remember the exact day, though, because it was weird loving him, slowly, and then all at once.

We weren't even in the same class so I didn’t get to see him much. But we were in the same club, the astronomy club. Frankly, I didn't even interested in astronomy that much, my best friend was in and she insisted that I joined it along. I would never regret it though.

Unrelated, but I was slowly falling for astronomy too, the way I fall for him. So much could be thought under the night sky, so much could be grateful for, to be scared for, to be… living for.

He wasn't even the most good looking guy I have ever known, didn't mean to say I was a good looking one my self. With his tall built, he tends to look down, sometimes making his posture look awkward. But I love how his hair fell covering his thin-rimmed glasses. He had a weird smile, it wasn't sweet or anything, but whenever he smiled, I felt like the moon myself, reflecting the blinding lights from the sun…

I didn't say anything when the news came. What should I say, I mean? The only person I wanted to tell was him. I imagined myself cocooned by his warmth. I imagined my self just simply talking to him, listening his deep calm voice. I already miss him. Truth be told, I had been missing him since last year.

They said graduation change people. It did. At least it changed me, it changed us, but didn’t changed him. He was so determined, so hardheaded, so… willing to be with me.

I still feel the guilt, though. I wanted him, I wanted to hear his voice and all… but I couldn't. I was going to study abroad and he was staying. I was not a believer in long-distance relationship, never will. Besides, I wasn’t someone to be tied with any commitment. I'm a free person, I want to roam this world alone. Though I still wanted him as greedy as I am, he and his stupid jokes, stupid smile, stupid ideology. I loved him, but not that much to keep loving him from distance, that much I knew. I guess I would never love someone that much.

I didn’t even cry when I heard the news. They said the first stage of grieve is denial. But I was not denying. Although I didn't believe it, I knew as much that he was no longer here. I knew as much that the sky would not be smiling tonight. I knew more that I wouldn't ever deny the fact that he was no longer here.

He was never here with me anymore. I had pushed him away that day. Exactly a month after graduation. I didn’t know any better ways to depart, it's better to break any bond between us. At least, that was what my seventeen year old me thought. I loved him, but it's better if there was no loose ends trailing behind me if I was going to start a new life abroad. He wasn't exactly a loose end, but anything that has a probability to go further is a loose end for me. I wanted to start a new life, at least that was what the adolescent freshly higshschool graduate me thought.

My one and only regret was that I foolishly believed he was a loose end. He never was. He was a rope with bond I cut so severely, making him a loose end.

I didn't came to his funeral. I couldn’t, not because I wouldn’t, but because it was mid February and the new semester had just started. And he was five thousand miles away. I wanted to, though. Not because I wanted to see him for the last time. On the contrary, I wanted to remind my self of what I had lost.

I was alone on the balcony of my house one night. It was the supermoon, I think. The moon looked so full and bright and magnificent, and magical. The whole night felt magical. It was the first night he called me. I had long forgotten what we were talking about, but I was smiling so much, maybe I was reflecting the reflected light of the moon. His voice was deep and strong, and I just loved to hear his voice, his laugh, the way we debated everything.

I still caught myself looking up at the moon at night and thinking about him. Thinking about the night that changed my life.

I didn't stop walking when I heard the news. It was rainy that day, my boots sloshed on the puddle, my hair was drenched. But I didn’t stop, I had to keep walking or else I would be dissolved as if I'm a chalkman in a pouring rain.

I remembered one afternoon at the club. I was feeling ridiculously stupid when they were talking about constellation and coordinations and that shits. Trust me for not being able to read the stars and still in the astronomy club. I didn’t kid them when I said I wanted to learn from zero, ask me to tell them the mythology behind and I would, but read the coordination? Thank you. He was so sweet that day, said he was going to teach me literally from zero, from how to know where is east and where is west, which I frankly didn’t know.

He did. I loved him for that.

We set up a small amateur observation at night, and he told me everything. We spent the night sleepless, gazing up to the clear sky, slowly teaching me about stars while from time to time asking me about what I thought was the story behind those constellations. We didn’t do anything, didn't even touch—except when he point my hand to the right direction, we didn't even speak of anything else beside the stars, but it was by far the most romantic night I ever had.

I didn’t say any condolences to him, like what most people did when someone died and they were posting condolences on the dead's profile. It was mere idiotic for me. Why would we said condolence to the dead? Who were we trying to fool? Instead, I tried to call his parents, who were probably had long forgotten about me, but I still tried. Of course the didn’t pick up, of course.

I still remember the day I met his parents. It was a long exhausting weekend, we went hiking and the whole night stargazing with the whole astronomy club. The morning we were so spent and so we called our family to pick us up at school. Unfortunately, my parents were off to another country that day and my brother were having an art conference. And my best friend weren't in on that hike due to her allergy.

I was contemplating on a bus trip when I saw him. He was with his family, talking animatedly while loading up his bag and telescope. He didn’t look bad, probably not like me with my limp hair and cramps on my feet. All of a sudden his gaze fell at me, and he was frowning, I tried to look busy, checking out my dead cell. I remember he told me to stop being ridiculous and just go with his family. I remembered still trying to argue and looked capable of going home alone.

But he was so gallant, and stubborn, he took my bag unceremoniously and loaded it to his parents' car. His parents look unwinded that their son suddenly took up a stray cat like me. instead they welcome me so easily. I loved him, and his parents.

I didn’t reply on any messages, I didn’t deserve people's condolences. They knew we were so close, but they didn’t know that I was the one who put the distance between me and him. My best friend though, know everything about me. She knew almost everything that happened between me and him. Almost.

I remembered my first kiss, it was only a chaste kiss, fast and light as butterfly. He was my first kiss, the one who wins all first kiss in the world. For one, he didn’t steal it. It was a cold rainy day that afternoon. I had the club cleaning up duty, and he as stubborn as ever, insisted on waiting for me. He was watching me with intensity that made me feel awkward, but he didn’t say anything. I tried to pry his mind, but he said, he was trying to figure out what kind of constellation I was. He said my mind and heart were two bright stars… I didn’t remember the details though, because at last, when I put the last book on the shelves, he put his hand lightly on my cheek and kiss me.

I cried finally when I was finally alone in my room. It wasn’t an ugly cry with shouts and all. It was like I was leaking with tears. I was dissolving in tears. Every emotions, every memories of him came back to my mind like there was a supernova in my brain.

He was a star. The moment I pushed him away he shrinked , he died slowly the way stars did.

They said he died of leukemia. Several months after our graduation he fell ill. But I didn’t know. Of course I didn’t. I had no right to know.

I had cut our bond that day. I had tried to be what I wanted, a free commitmentless girl who fly across the ocean to start a new life. I had put him in my mind's blackhole. I did loved him, though. I really did.

I missed him, always, though I had never admitted it. My mind may have a blackhole, but my heart doesn’t. 

He was always there, on the brink of my heart. I had cut our bond, put him in a blackhole of my mind, but I couldn’t erased his shadow completely from my heart.

It's raining today. It was raining the day I heard the news. It was raining the day we depart. It was raining the day he kissed me for the first time.

I stand alone in front of his grave, wet from the rain, and the smell of wet earth and grasses wafting in the air. I believe he wasn't going to know that I'm here anyway, so I don’t say anything. I just stared at his plot and trying to conjure up his smile. His name carved on the stone, and I suddenly remember what he said one day. "When a star dies, it either leaves as a blackhole, or as a bright explosion. If I died, I wanted to leave a bright light." I admired him so much, I still admire him.

And he did, he leave some bright memories of him, his bright visions, his bright smile, his voice still played in my mind. He didn't leave a blackhole in my life.

I don't have the right to shed any tears, but a single one escape. He would have been twenty one right now. I could have heard of his achievment as a bright scholar. But of course I would hear no more of him.

I still regret it though, the way I pushed him away. I should have kept the bond. I should have kept what we had. At times I still questioned my decision, my choice, my testament of life. But I know he would be mad if he knew I spent my life regretting my decisions. He would say in his deep voice that I should keep what I believe.

I just wished I believed in what we had, believed in him for once.