Sickdays

It's unusual for me to post more than one a day, but I really need to let this out. I'm sick, I haven't been feeling well since last week.
I know it's not anyone's business but.. There's no harm in telling this.
Anyhow, it was actually my fault that I'm ill right now. I haven't been eating regularly since I came to this town. Not because I'm not hungry though, just because som reasons.. And now I feel completely stupid.
I have gastritic which I actually been having since ages ago. But it gets worse right now.. And I'm trying to control it so it won't get worse.
And... I think.. That gastritic led to headache. Now I'm also having an annoying headache and dizziness. For this I know nothing of what causing it.. I haven't been having this kind of headache again until now.
Problem is... I don't want to go to the doctor. Ironic isn't it? I'm a med student but I don't even want to go see he doctor. Not because I'm scared or what.. It's just everything more likely become complicated by seeing a doctor. And of course I don't have the budget... Though the rentals will obviously be backing everything.. I still feel like a burden and a brat...
It was my fault that I get sick and making everything hard for them...
So now I tried to lay and sleep for a sufficient time. Eat healthy food. And... Telling my self that I'm healthy. *placebo effect*
I really want to go somewhere in this break. But I'm afraid if I go too far I'll get sicker and ruin this year. *please god no*
Then... Thanks for people who cares about my well being.. And who still checks on me..

Love

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Winter Break Phase One

Hello folks!
I haven't been updating because.the wifi is dead. DEAD. I hate it. But... That's okay, I will live :(
Last week was.. boring.. because nothing much happens. Except maybe the winter break happens, why I didn't call it a holiday? Because obviously nothing is to be celebrated by this break. I mean really, 2 weeks? And a committee exam after that. You may kill me right now.
The good thing from this break is that I could stay at the flat alone. Like literally alone. I could have gone to my friends' place or somewhere but who am I to reject this perfect opportunity of living alone? I could try how does it feel to live alone, so someday when I have enough budget I can rent my own flat and get the hell out of them. Okay that sounds hardcore for a girl but if you know me enough you will not feel weird.
Living alone is... Fun. First of all I don't have to care for another living being, and I don't have to avoid people, because clearly the closest living beings are the neighbors and I can't even speak to them. Second, there are no people means that I don't have to cook for them or wake them or wait for them so I can eat. I hate the awkward moments when you are hungry but the others are not and then you either eat alone or wait until they are hungry. Eating alone is only nice when you are really alone. Third, I can play music and sing aaaalll the time without getting self conscious. I can even.play the music out loud. No more headset and all that. Fourth, I can go anywhere I want without people patronizing me and blah blah... I can even go out at night and nobody will care! But trust me, I haven't go out yet because I'm still a self-conscious girl.
You know what's funny? My 'rentals.
Their words upon my living alone are: "Well if you sure you are not going to be lonely then that's okay. You can try it out, you may know how does it feel later and blah.. Blah.."
It's not that I'm asking them to be worried or else.. It's just.. Awesome. I mean, I'm their only daughter who lives alone abroad and they're not even worried. I have awesome 'rentals.
Anyhow.. This is the first post of the week and practically start the winter break.

Stay awesome!

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Dear You,

Dear you,


Sometimes in your life you feel alone, stupid, and worthless. Sometimes there are moments when you just want to vanish, to leave, to run, or simply to die. The moments you feel like everything is slipping away from you... and self-depreciation is inevitable, when suicidal thoughts float on your mind. It's okay.It's okay.

You are not alone. Everyone feel bad at some point of their lives, but it was not the right reason to die. Just because you feel worthless doesn't mean it's right to end your life. It's okay to feel that way sometimes, I would never blame you that you feel low sometimes, because it will anchor your head to your shoulders and keeping your feet on the ground.

But keep this in your mind, that I would never forgive you if you end your life. There is no reasons in this world acceptable to kill yourself. Remember this, no matter how worthless you feel I love you, no matter how much you hate yourself, I love you. Know this, there is someone out there loving you too, there is someone who still need you in his life, who will be devastated when you're gone.

Hey you, I know you feel you are just a stupid spoiled disgusting eighteen years old brat. But hey, do you realise you have lived for eighteen years? You are awesome for passing those years in highschool! You are a bright star! Remember how stars can only shine whenever the sun is set? Do you know that the sun is just a tiny star? Compare to the stars, the sun doesn't even shine that bright.

You, you are a star, a bright star. But remember that the stars only shine at night?   You are a star, your sun just has not set yet. Your sun is your feel of worthlessness, therefore, appreciate your self. Love your self, set that sun, and shine. Shine bright in the deepest night. You, you will be shine, just maybe not now. You will find the right night, the right moment, I believe you will. So why shouldn't you?

Believe. Struggle. Shine. Breathe. Live. Love.

Hey you, do you know how many people in the world struggle to live? Struggle just to breathe? You, do you know there are people out there who envies you, just for being able to breathe, to stand, to run, to walk, to sit, to sleep easily? There are people out there who can not be like you, want to be like you. Do you know how precious you are? How awesome you are? Please know this, I appreciate you, I adore you, I love you. So why shouldn't you?

Now, you know how I feel, right? How I want you so much to keep breathing? How much I will devastated if you're gone? You are a star, my star, You are my life. Keep breathing, keep on struggling, your night will come. I love you, so much. Keep this in your mind, your heart, your soul. I will never blame you for feeling unworthy, for feeling stupid, for being mad at your self. I believe in you, I put my faith in you, just because I love you. So why shouldn't you?



Love,
Me

Eighteen

Can you believe it that this girl finally turns eighteen? I mean, eight-freaking-teen. God, how fast time flies... okay that was a bit of an exaggeration, I mean yeah well I have to turn eighteen at some point. But why now? Because it's January *freaking* Fifth! (okay tell me if I should stop with the freaking, because I AM freaking out right now)
As ages come and go, 17 is probably the longest one until now, or at least so long I've been living...
Seventeen has given me lots, like LOTS of things. Probably the most character changing age ever. Not that I have found out who I am, and what I'm doing in this earth, I just feel more settled. Probably because of the fact that I'm no longer an "innocent" *blech* highschool student, but actually a cool *blech* med-school student. And now I'm living like 5.369 miles (8640 km) away from the place where I grew up, which probably can change someone a lot more. The seventeen year old me had realised that life is not just about studying abroad and achieving the dreams, it's also about meeting new people, having new family, understanding the differences, assimilation, acceptance, and the fall down of one's common sense.
Life was a real roller coaster last year, I mean, this girl had big tests to take, several anxieties to surpass, and several problems to tackle, all *mostly* by herself. Really, don't say that "i wasn't alone and blah blah blah..." I was alone, who can help me surpass the anxiety of the university acceptance? of the staying abroad? of starting a new life? of being a sunny shiny person that everyone loves?? *okay the latter was completely out of topic* the point is, I was alone, and I SURVIVE, I LIVE, I'M AWESOME!
So... seventeen was also the last birthday I got to celebrate in the dormitory.. which was bittersweet... I got like another eggs on my head, flour everywhere... and a freaking PARAMORE'S PARAMORE album :")
thank you so much for the lovelies who bought me that, I mean they're waiting for April in order to be able to give me the present... sweet :*
Seventeen also the age when I get to know what a winter feels like, and how beautiful a cold world can be. Which is probably unforgettable... (But I'm still mad at you Jack Frost! Why you only gave us a week of snow? I believe in you you knooooow)

Anyway, now I'm no longer seventeen. Sad? Not really. Truth be told, I don't feel much of any different... though somethings are definitely new.
I've got these revelations...
 For starters, now I believe in sweet things. I mean, no one has ever done something so sweet like making a surprise for my birthday, I mean, admit it when your birthday is always in the breaks what can you do except holed up at home? Yeah, so this year, my new family-- a.k.a the Antepia girls-- had successfully made a sweet surprise for me. Something that is definitely has never been happened to me.
They came to my apartment complete with the cake! I mean, I knew people were busy with their exams, so what would I expect? No, it really wasn't what I expected... they even waited for long in front of the apartment's gate in the cold weather. What should I say? I have never loved some girl friends sisters so much... *I don't even have a real sister by the way* anyway they are soooo sweet. :") and I now believe that sweet things may happen to me.
Second, now I believe that there are some people in the world that you are destined to meet and know and just clicked. I mean, how do you explain the feeling of comfort when you are talking to someone whom you have just met 4 months ago? I'm not that open to random people, but when I feel like someone is worth talking to, then I will talk to him/her. And so far in my life, I have only known like 6 people that I could completely be open to This is my eighteen years old revelation.
Third, some classmates are just want to see me burn the world, it is true that my classmates are probably will be the same for the following 6 years, but, I just do not trust some them. There are some evil people who are simply evil. I mean, we are in the same group, but they are strictly sort of like ignoring me as if I am a shadow. Seriously, b*tches just because I cannot speak your language well doesn't mean that you are allowed to ignore me. You may as well go to Tartarus for all I care. I dislike you and your dwarfiness so much it kills my keyboard. I want to strangle you and throw you through our professor window.
Okay this post is getting trashy, I apologise deeply. My point is eighteen makes me totally completely realise that college is, waaaay harsher than Highschool. Yeah, that's sort of like sad for a new age revelation, but this is world, sadness is completely understandable and expected even.
Fourth, that I'm still alive and well, and just more grateful and wiser *really?*. I've been spending more than 12 years of my life thinking of suicide, but well, here I am, still alive and well, and sunny shiny like a perfect daughter and girl I should be (sorry this post is getting cynical right now). I just realised that, I could be thinking of wanting to die, but it's was actually helping me to stay afloat in this life ocean. One can be broken, messed up and mental but one can survive, you have to believe in that.

Weeeell, this post is getting weirder. I was actually trying to write about my birthday thingy, but I got carried away... so, my first birthday in Turkey was... nice. I got an instant make over, a cute blanket, an small meaningful gift, and a Dan Brown's book. I think everything is awfully awesome :D
And of course, some of those revelations...

In the end, thank you for putting up with me and my various blogs and social medias, and my constant babbling. and Happy *creepy lated*  Eighteen for me!

Stay Awesome

The 2014

Let's say our warmest welcome to 2014!

Yep, if you still haven't know yet (I mean, where in the world are you?) we have changed the calendar into 2014, no longer 2013 no longer highschool (for me), and we have proven to the universe that 2012 movie was a JOKE. But seriously, do you really believe that the end of the world is predictable? No? Then you are genius, congrats!

Anyway, here I am, perfectly fine, except for some mental disposition, in this new year.

I have passed all the test for 2013! Congrats my self!

First, I overcome my sadness over not getting any medal in the Science Olympiad, but that was actually stupid, so.. juvenile, except it actually helps to get a good college, but let's just say that I HAD PASSED those days of Olympiad thingy...

Second, the biggest fear of 12 grader in Indonesia, The National Final Exam. I PASSED that, Albeit sadly I had to say that it wasn't my maximum performance, I mean seriously, I got perfect score for chemistry but the lowest score for biology? Isn't that so tragic since I wanted to get into med school?

Anyway, here we go the Third, getting into a college, it's a truth universally acknowledge that a twelfth grade student with pretty good scores is in search of good universities, so then, I applied, to another country even, Turkey! I actually did applied to a uni in my country, but I'm like 70% sure that I wasn't gonna be accepted, so yeah, I was taking all my chances and took Turkey.

well truth be told, I wasn't even the slightest bit interested with the country, but the thoughts of getting definitely closer to Europe made took the chances and risk everything, including the rentals' money.

You might want me to shut up and just get to the point, aaaand, the point is, I PASSED THAT TOO! Blimey, I still cannot believe that I'm in Turkey right now *total lies* I totally believe that I could be here, and I do stay in Turkey right now. (For more detail about this girl living abroad will be on the post right next!)

That's probably the biggest events in 2013, another thing like Paramore newest album, graduation, my sudden addiction to make up, my boring summer, and my first winter will probably be on the next posts *I have a kickass wifi connection so I'm pretty optimistic about it*.

Well, then let's move on from the 2013 shall we?! *see the exclamation mark shows how eager I am*

I have a feeling that 2014 will be MORE awesome than ever, seriously, I mean, I'm no longer stuck in Indonesia, but actually living abroad and definitely closer to Greece!

And I'm now a college student, probably still a childish college student, but who cares? You know the Latin saying, "tempora mutantur, nos et mutamur in illis" which means time is changing and I'm changing with it, I will change, for better or worse, only God knows and me the one who decides.

This year, I'm not going to make any resolutions or letter or anything, I just want one thing, for all to be looking up and better, also for being able to see 2015.

I'm quite content with what I have now *except for the fact that my recent scores are disgusting, tell ya later about it and I still haven't got any scholarship yet*, I am grateful for the other things, like me being able to live abroad, to meet new people and new family, to experience a snowy winter--which by the way only lasted like a week--to know new things, and definitely to be widened intellectually and emotionally.

Oh, don't forget that I'm going to be 18 this year! Um, I'm supposedly 18 now in Indonesia, but see the time differences changes everything.. but yeah, I'm 18! Which means I can have my own cell phone number in this country, and in some I now can legally marry and drink *um just kidding! Really don't shoot me!* but really I'm not completely in this 18 thing, because now I can't call me the seventeen year old girl anymore, and now I'm completely not under my parents' provision anymore, uh I hate growing up...

-- Paramore said in their song "Ain't it fun, living in the real world... Ain't it good, being all alone..." it was actually... not completely true! It was like one of few things I disagree from them. Living in the real world is NOT that fun! and you will never be alone, for better or worse--

Now, I have no idea of what I'm going to say more, but, I think this enough for a welcoming post to a new year. In the end, stay tuned folks, I'm going to write more and better things, actually, that's probably means more babbling and less understandable thoughts, but it's not like I'm going to corrupt anyone here...*see the babbles?*

Stay Awesome