Hello internet,
I'm here finally, officially greeting you guys from a new semester, okay the semester actually have been going on for a week for me, but nevertheless, hello freshmen! Had enough taste of college yet?
This is going to be short, because I'm here sitting in the second floor library lobby like usual in my favorite couch.
Does anything change? Nope, I still feel the same, the lectures are still boring, the subjects though, are significantly harder, and hey, we have new building! The faculty also finally had upgraded its standard, and beside the new building, we are now using the fingerprint for absent (?) yeah whatever, cool but a little bit ineffective if I might say...
And then... new house! I moved to somewhere half an hour farther than my old house, but it's still the same inconsiderate distance from the uni...And does my feeling regarding the organization change? Nope, not a single bit. I still hate them, I still hate the rules, the programs, everything except the fact that they give me shelter, well... i'm supposed to be grateful though.... so here i am being grateful (nah just kidding)
And so yeah, a small recap for the new semester, and I will write again later!
Bye
Tuesday 23 September 2014
Sunday 24 August 2014
the summer break
hello again internet!
I'm sorry for my hiatus, but considering that it's summer break and i'm in my homeland now, well, i guess you might understand why i haven't write as much as a word here for a very long time...
first of all, yeah! I'm in Indonesia right now and I've been so busy with family, friends, and... also I spent the majority of my summer break holed up in MY room reading things and okay, sleeping. But for my defense I won't have much time to sleep for the next year to come.
How am I dong here? Well... okay. I love my family and I've missed them so, I love being here again, but since my little brother is back in the dorm and my older brother will soon go back to his town for uni, I'll be here alone with the Mom only (see how I left out the Dad? He's currently seldom to be found at home because of his new 'babies', read: a couple of newly bought planes by an airline company), so going back to the point, it is a little bit lonely, but I won't take things for granted, for the next years to come I will live with another five girls, which means, lack of privacy at best and no privacy at all at worst. So I appreciate any peace I have now.
Then, about seeing my friends here... I guess studying abroad and making new friends, and also almost have no chance at all to meet the girls here, made me realize how I actually miss having them as my close friends, I'm talking about my junior high besties (you know who you are) and also my high school friends (you also know who you are). You guys have been walking along side me through my journey of being the person I am now, no longer freshly graduated from high school (if one might say), and I'm grateful that I have you guys for who will I go to if I visit Indonesia again? I'm aware that I sounded a little bit cheesy right now but then again, I'm a drama queen at heart so... you understand me.
And I'm gonna miss you girls until the next time we meet.
Finally about Indonesia, not much has changed to this 'beloved' country. I found my self still at the same position I was before, I still hate this country. Remember how the lines between hating and loving something is blurry at best ? I hate this country. And I am so glad that I made the right decision to study abroad. Actually I loathe thee guts of the governments, I very much dislike politics and the slickness of the people here, and how pathetic they could be. They just don't change, with their feudal brain and corrupted heart, well actually I doubted that they have any brain and hearts at all. You know they might even be just the vessels of the people above, the puppeteers, or the conspirators, or anything. Okay talking about those theories in this light post hiatus post is not good at all, and I'm aware that I should stop, so there. I stop.
Okay then, I guess I will have to go now and I might write something substantial later, so see you then!
I'll go back to my break, or hibernation, or anything.
bye
I'm sorry for my hiatus, but considering that it's summer break and i'm in my homeland now, well, i guess you might understand why i haven't write as much as a word here for a very long time...
first of all, yeah! I'm in Indonesia right now and I've been so busy with family, friends, and... also I spent the majority of my summer break holed up in MY room reading things and okay, sleeping. But for my defense I won't have much time to sleep for the next year to come.
How am I dong here? Well... okay. I love my family and I've missed them so, I love being here again, but since my little brother is back in the dorm and my older brother will soon go back to his town for uni, I'll be here alone with the Mom only (see how I left out the Dad? He's currently seldom to be found at home because of his new 'babies', read: a couple of newly bought planes by an airline company), so going back to the point, it is a little bit lonely, but I won't take things for granted, for the next years to come I will live with another five girls, which means, lack of privacy at best and no privacy at all at worst. So I appreciate any peace I have now.
Then, about seeing my friends here... I guess studying abroad and making new friends, and also almost have no chance at all to meet the girls here, made me realize how I actually miss having them as my close friends, I'm talking about my junior high besties (you know who you are) and also my high school friends (you also know who you are). You guys have been walking along side me through my journey of being the person I am now, no longer freshly graduated from high school (if one might say), and I'm grateful that I have you guys for who will I go to if I visit Indonesia again? I'm aware that I sounded a little bit cheesy right now but then again, I'm a drama queen at heart so... you understand me.
And I'm gonna miss you girls until the next time we meet.
Finally about Indonesia, not much has changed to this 'beloved' country. I found my self still at the same position I was before, I still hate this country. Remember how the lines between hating and loving something is blurry at best ? I hate this country. And I am so glad that I made the right decision to study abroad. Actually I loathe thee guts of the governments, I very much dislike politics and the slickness of the people here, and how pathetic they could be. They just don't change, with their feudal brain and corrupted heart, well actually I doubted that they have any brain and hearts at all. You know they might even be just the vessels of the people above, the puppeteers, or the conspirators, or anything. Okay talking about those theories in this light post hiatus post is not good at all, and I'm aware that I should stop, so there. I stop.
Okay then, I guess I will have to go now and I might write something substantial later, so see you then!
I'll go back to my break, or hibernation, or anything.
bye
Friday 18 July 2014
Decisions and Dreams
hello internet!
and a welcome for the freshly graduated seniors out there, this is the year full of decisions, and all are yours (except you with a little bit annoying parent in the background) to make.
i know the feeling, of deciding what should I study, where should I go, and what to accept. tho the latter does not happen in my case.
recently I got some questions from my juniors about which to take, or where should they go, and all the norms about university.
for me last year, I didn't make much decisions, mostly because I only want two things, either go to the best uni in my country or abroad. That's the only decision I had to make. and since the best uni is so hard to apply and no kidding I'm not that brilliant, so I applied there without expecting anything. to tell you the truth, in the end being accepted there would be a nightmare for me. Finally here I am five-thousands miles away from my birthland, and happy.
Enough with my story, I'm here to help you guys to decide things. Whether it's about what do you want to study, where do you want to study, or which university to accept (just for you brainiacs).
First thing to do in making decision is, look inside yourself. Of course I don't mean literally, just look inside your mind, your heart. then, ask this question: WHAT DO I WANT? WHAT DOES MY SELF TELL ME? WHAT IS MY PASSION?
Yes there is this thing called "you can't always get what you wanted" but it does NOT mean that you should not pursue what you wanted. Instead, while pursuing what you wanted you may get what you need. Taking the safe route also is not an answer, I mean, what? you take the safest way now and be spoiled for the next four years and the real world later will eat you alive or dead.
Anyway, my point is, choose what you want most. Most of the people I know REGRET their choice of major, or where they are studying, in the end, they will take another exams, change their major, move to another uni... They don't feel happy by what they chose last year. No offense my friends, but do you want that? a regret? Yes you can still take another exam, IF you are luck enough to be accepted, but if you aren't? All that you do are for YOUR OWN happiness. So, choose what you really want, study what you loves, do what you are passionate about, the rest will come later.
Second, don't twist your undergarments because of another people opinion.
Sometimes you do need other people to keep your feet a little bit on the ground. Listen to their opinion, or maybe just talking to them will make you realize what you actually want. It might also give you some image on how people looks at you. But that doesn't mean that you have to do what other people tell you. WHOEVER they are, remember this: they don't have the reins on you, YOU live your own life. Whether they are parents, annoying family members, your teachers, or your friends... listen but decide which to accept and which to let out from the other ear.
Third, deal with the annoying parents.
The parents who wants their child to live THEIR dreams are (no offense) pathetic. EVERYONE has their OWN dreams. If you didn't get to live on your dreams, are you going to let your child do the same? You (parents everywhere) know exactly how that feels not to choose to be what you want, so don't make your child live with the same mistakes.
Know this, my young friends, your annoying pushy parents behind you are regretting what they didn't choose in their life, and now they are pushing all their dreams to you as if you are their barbie doll. Talk to them, tell them what you really want, and make them realize what is YOUR dream, and what is THEIRS. But if your parents are one of those creepy stoneheaded people, just pray, and do what you want beside what they want you to. KEEP YOUR SELF HAPPY.
Fourth, for those religious friends, pray, in my religion we pray istikharah. Asking the God to help with making decision. It helps, if you are stuck with undecided things, sometimes all you need are praying. In the end God will give you some lights on which road to take, which option to take.
Finally, make that decision.
If you have decided, then live it. Live your dreams, live your life. But remember, keep your heads on your shoulder. In every roads there WILL always be some stones, some nasty thorns, some rains, even thunders, but there will be lights, a good view from time to time, good musics to entertain you, and always there will be a hand to hold, whoever they are.
Also, a friend once told me this: the beauty is on the journey itself, not just the destination.
Don't give up on your dreams. It might take a year, five, or six, or even ten... but believe that you will have it. And you will.
Well then my friends, congratulations and welcome to the new beginning, welcome to the real world of undecided things. And in your life, YOU are the one to decide.
Bye.
and a welcome for the freshly graduated seniors out there, this is the year full of decisions, and all are yours (except you with a little bit annoying parent in the background) to make.
i know the feeling, of deciding what should I study, where should I go, and what to accept. tho the latter does not happen in my case.
recently I got some questions from my juniors about which to take, or where should they go, and all the norms about university.
for me last year, I didn't make much decisions, mostly because I only want two things, either go to the best uni in my country or abroad. That's the only decision I had to make. and since the best uni is so hard to apply and no kidding I'm not that brilliant, so I applied there without expecting anything. to tell you the truth, in the end being accepted there would be a nightmare for me. Finally here I am five-thousands miles away from my birthland, and happy.
Enough with my story, I'm here to help you guys to decide things. Whether it's about what do you want to study, where do you want to study, or which university to accept (just for you brainiacs).
First thing to do in making decision is, look inside yourself. Of course I don't mean literally, just look inside your mind, your heart. then, ask this question: WHAT DO I WANT? WHAT DOES MY SELF TELL ME? WHAT IS MY PASSION?
Yes there is this thing called "you can't always get what you wanted" but it does NOT mean that you should not pursue what you wanted. Instead, while pursuing what you wanted you may get what you need. Taking the safe route also is not an answer, I mean, what? you take the safest way now and be spoiled for the next four years and the real world later will eat you alive or dead.
Anyway, my point is, choose what you want most. Most of the people I know REGRET their choice of major, or where they are studying, in the end, they will take another exams, change their major, move to another uni... They don't feel happy by what they chose last year. No offense my friends, but do you want that? a regret? Yes you can still take another exam, IF you are luck enough to be accepted, but if you aren't? All that you do are for YOUR OWN happiness. So, choose what you really want, study what you loves, do what you are passionate about, the rest will come later.
Second, don't twist your undergarments because of another people opinion.
Sometimes you do need other people to keep your feet a little bit on the ground. Listen to their opinion, or maybe just talking to them will make you realize what you actually want. It might also give you some image on how people looks at you. But that doesn't mean that you have to do what other people tell you. WHOEVER they are, remember this: they don't have the reins on you, YOU live your own life. Whether they are parents, annoying family members, your teachers, or your friends... listen but decide which to accept and which to let out from the other ear.
Third, deal with the annoying parents.
The parents who wants their child to live THEIR dreams are (no offense) pathetic. EVERYONE has their OWN dreams. If you didn't get to live on your dreams, are you going to let your child do the same? You (parents everywhere) know exactly how that feels not to choose to be what you want, so don't make your child live with the same mistakes.
Know this, my young friends, your annoying pushy parents behind you are regretting what they didn't choose in their life, and now they are pushing all their dreams to you as if you are their barbie doll. Talk to them, tell them what you really want, and make them realize what is YOUR dream, and what is THEIRS. But if your parents are one of those creepy stoneheaded people, just pray, and do what you want beside what they want you to. KEEP YOUR SELF HAPPY.
Fourth, for those religious friends, pray, in my religion we pray istikharah. Asking the God to help with making decision. It helps, if you are stuck with undecided things, sometimes all you need are praying. In the end God will give you some lights on which road to take, which option to take.
Finally, make that decision.
If you have decided, then live it. Live your dreams, live your life. But remember, keep your heads on your shoulder. In every roads there WILL always be some stones, some nasty thorns, some rains, even thunders, but there will be lights, a good view from time to time, good musics to entertain you, and always there will be a hand to hold, whoever they are.
Also, a friend once told me this: the beauty is on the journey itself, not just the destination.
Don't give up on your dreams. It might take a year, five, or six, or even ten... but believe that you will have it. And you will.
Well then my friends, congratulations and welcome to the new beginning, welcome to the real world of undecided things. And in your life, YOU are the one to decide.
Bye.
Tuesday 15 July 2014
My playlist here and there
Hello internet!
I have so many unfinished drafts these days, meaning: another long time until I come up with any idea at all.
but this time I'm going to try to write a little bit, this is a lighter topic because let's just say it plain and simple, the world do need more lightness.
Anyhow, this is about the songs I love, or more like the kind of bands I'm listening into.
I admit my taste of music is most of the times different than what people in my immediate circle has, so I actually have no one to share, hence me writing here.
My first and foremost, band that introduced me to the music world, although I'm not a musician myself *I can't play a note to save my self* I need music in my life, just to you know, fill the occasional emptiness...
so the band, Paramore! I have been a fan for more than 6 years now... starting form somewhere in 2008 when I listened to their song Emergency in the radio.
(Yeah, I did listened to the radio, when people still listened to altern and rock and quality ballads. not some electro thingy with autotuned voice... I admit they're still some talented people who made songs like that, but let's say I prefer the classic music instrument than some computer made songs.)
Paramore had been a constant backsound in my life. with their deep meaningful songs and Hayley's perfect voice, especially after the self-titled album was out, exactly the year I graduated from highschool. What's more suitable for a girl who just graduated and stepping her first step into the real world than some songs that tells her everyone feels the same? Take Grow Up for example, and Anklebiters, and all the interludes: Moving On, Holiday, I'm Not Angry Anymore, all reflected the story of someone who just stepped into the real world, tasting what does it feels like to finally live alone, the freedom, the hardship, the hurt, the happiness...
So basically, I love Paramore, and their songs will always be the soundtrack of my journey to find who I really am.
Next I have some random bands like Taking Back Sunday, Death Cab For Cutie, and Snow Patrol. I'm not saying that they are random or what, it's random because they all sounds so different but they hold the same place in my life.
While Paramore helps me in my growing up journey as some sort of constant reminder that I'm not alone, band like TBS, and some more random rock bands reflects my emo side. Surprise surprise I do have some emo side, their older songs are a reminder of the recent (I'm still 18 anyway) teenage years. And I want to keep a good memory of that times by listening to TBS songs...
And whenever I need a cosy moments, when some beautiful sexy voices (corny I know) playing in the background, I'll tune up Snow Patrol, and occasional Spill Canvas, and mybe The Script. Admit it, their songs will soothe you, and make your mellow heart more mellow. Okay, ignore me.
They have some really good songs and add to the sexy vocalists, your bad mood will probably be forgotten, at least that's what I do.
At last, whenever I feel poetic, and a little bit more mellow than I normally feel, and whenever I want to listen to songs with some heavy lyrics, DCFC is very good for this. Their songs, while the musics are light at times, the lyrics are so deep so beautiful they make me cry, even after a few times listening. Take What Sarah Said for example, it talked about love, that when you love someone you are bound to watch him die, not just that obviously, but you just really have to listen to them yourself.
Well, that's a little bit peek to my playlist and my fave bands... if you have some recommendations for me, or if you (whoever you are) have the same taste as me, we can be best buddies ;)
bye!
I have so many unfinished drafts these days, meaning: another long time until I come up with any idea at all.
but this time I'm going to try to write a little bit, this is a lighter topic because let's just say it plain and simple, the world do need more lightness.
Anyhow, this is about the songs I love, or more like the kind of bands I'm listening into.
I admit my taste of music is most of the times different than what people in my immediate circle has, so I actually have no one to share, hence me writing here.
My first and foremost, band that introduced me to the music world, although I'm not a musician myself *I can't play a note to save my self* I need music in my life, just to you know, fill the occasional emptiness...
so the band, Paramore! I have been a fan for more than 6 years now... starting form somewhere in 2008 when I listened to their song Emergency in the radio.
(Yeah, I did listened to the radio, when people still listened to altern and rock and quality ballads. not some electro thingy with autotuned voice... I admit they're still some talented people who made songs like that, but let's say I prefer the classic music instrument than some computer made songs.)
Paramore had been a constant backsound in my life. with their deep meaningful songs and Hayley's perfect voice, especially after the self-titled album was out, exactly the year I graduated from highschool. What's more suitable for a girl who just graduated and stepping her first step into the real world than some songs that tells her everyone feels the same? Take Grow Up for example, and Anklebiters, and all the interludes: Moving On, Holiday, I'm Not Angry Anymore, all reflected the story of someone who just stepped into the real world, tasting what does it feels like to finally live alone, the freedom, the hardship, the hurt, the happiness...
So basically, I love Paramore, and their songs will always be the soundtrack of my journey to find who I really am.
Next I have some random bands like Taking Back Sunday, Death Cab For Cutie, and Snow Patrol. I'm not saying that they are random or what, it's random because they all sounds so different but they hold the same place in my life.
While Paramore helps me in my growing up journey as some sort of constant reminder that I'm not alone, band like TBS, and some more random rock bands reflects my emo side. Surprise surprise I do have some emo side, their older songs are a reminder of the recent (I'm still 18 anyway) teenage years. And I want to keep a good memory of that times by listening to TBS songs...
And whenever I need a cosy moments, when some beautiful sexy voices (corny I know) playing in the background, I'll tune up Snow Patrol, and occasional Spill Canvas, and mybe The Script. Admit it, their songs will soothe you, and make your mellow heart more mellow. Okay, ignore me.
They have some really good songs and add to the sexy vocalists, your bad mood will probably be forgotten, at least that's what I do.
At last, whenever I feel poetic, and a little bit more mellow than I normally feel, and whenever I want to listen to songs with some heavy lyrics, DCFC is very good for this. Their songs, while the musics are light at times, the lyrics are so deep so beautiful they make me cry, even after a few times listening. Take What Sarah Said for example, it talked about love, that when you love someone you are bound to watch him die, not just that obviously, but you just really have to listen to them yourself.
Well, that's a little bit peek to my playlist and my fave bands... if you have some recommendations for me, or if you (whoever you are) have the same taste as me, we can be best buddies ;)
bye!
Friday 11 July 2014
Babbles about Indonesia
Hello internet!
since I'm still wired, I might as well write more, and a tad bit more of this writing thing.
I did told you about the current condition of my country, right? *it's Indonesia if you don't know, heck yeah you are in 2014 ask google!*
Okay so... we're in the middle of an election now, a presidential election. and as important as that sounds... I don't give a sweat about that! *ha ironic qil*
sigh, sigh again, and SIGH AGAIN. because talking about indonesia needs a TONS of sigh. well yeah we can move past that and see the superficial happy place with tropical beaches and sunny shiny sun, and lovely humid air (let's just pretend global warming doesn't change anything about that)...
but that's superficial. a big red flag sign.
Let's just start this over... I read in a novel once (The Heist by someone I forgot the name) that Indonesia is the perfect place for scoundrels to hide, first of all, nobody knows about it, second, the corrupt government. again CORRUPT GOVERNMENT.
*I need to take a breather at this point*
it ashamed me, that one of the most noticeable from the country was the corrupt government. goes without saying "Hey I'm from Indonesia , and it's a public secret that we have a corrupt government"
damnit. *again pardon my profanity*
and then this election came. actually it's my first time to vote! I was finally 17 (last year) and I have the right to vote! I know it's an honor to be able to vote. thousands of women and some people in the old days used to be let out of the vote, but not in my country. they were decent enough to let everyone vote when they reach 17.
past that... I was not thrilled, at all.
I already had a bad feeling about this election since the *still* current president was sort of trying to subtly let the country fall into a ruin. since he was not eligible for another round and his party was sort of... scandalized *surprise surprise* I guessed he was trying to at least let the people see the actual jerk he was. yeah, sorry not sorry.
this election, was the dirtiest so far I have ever seen in my 18 years of life.
there were only 2 pairs of candidates, and none of them was promising, so we used the method of seeing the bigger picture beyond the pairs and eliminate which one was better. I daresay, I was proud of my decision. *but let's not get ahead of ourselves*
the first pair was decent, but the most important thing was the party following behind them wasn't that particular jerks party, people might say I'm too young and a bit dogmatic considering by my bringing up. but no no I don't accept that.
that party, people, was the most disgusting and simply idiotic party in Indonesia. I'm not gonna tell you which party was that, but if you are smart you'll find out.
I mean, using blatant lies and turning around the words of people, and simply making the life of innocent unassuming people worse by brainwashing their opinion? ew.
talk about collecting the bully of your school into a one big party, complete with their goons.
GROSS RIGHT? I KNOW.
anyway...
so the second pair was that party's candidate. and suffice to say I just looked past their names and just ignore them. intelligent people with decent conscience will KNOW. sorry I wasn't mean to be condescending... but who was I kidding, even an 18 y.o silly girl realized and saw behind their lies, which was maddeningly lot by the way.
my actual point was to point out some stupid things happening there,
like the black campaigning thing. I mean I give you an ovation, people, that you guys are so GENIUS, you are some story tellers, lie spinners, and amazing graphic designers.
how in the whole world did you guys come up with those ideas? it was beyond me.
simply stunning. and DISGUSTING.
why didn't you use your talent for a GREATER GOOD?
GOD HEAVENS ABOVE.
*okay, take a breath qil.*
if you see those article, internet, you will know why I'm talking like this. the silver lining was, you finally know that indonesia actually have some decent geniuses who were idiots at the same time, amazing, right? and then you will also finally know who's intelligent and who wasn't. sorry if you are offended. they said they value honesty, and I'm *out of character* following them.
post-election. now I thought the quick counts will result in something... better, I guess.
but NO
god.
even the quick count was stupid.
they're different in every media that you. don't. even. know. which one's right and which one's wrong.
I'm still secretly hoping for a tie, you know, to BURN THE STOVE.
okay. don't burn indonesia just yet, I'm planning on taking my family to live abroad, so please...
this take me to another point, the highlight is... living abroad is so NICE. yes the election is happening here, but it doesn't affect us directly.
and not-related but I'm glad the ambassador will change this year, I sort of loose faith in her. and the whole effing government. EVERYWHERE.
well,
that's good enough for today.
don't twist your anything in a bunch because of me, and sorry if you feel offended.
since I'm still wired, I might as well write more, and a tad bit more of this writing thing.
I did told you about the current condition of my country, right? *it's Indonesia if you don't know, heck yeah you are in 2014 ask google!*
Okay so... we're in the middle of an election now, a presidential election. and as important as that sounds... I don't give a sweat about that! *ha ironic qil*
sigh, sigh again, and SIGH AGAIN. because talking about indonesia needs a TONS of sigh. well yeah we can move past that and see the superficial happy place with tropical beaches and sunny shiny sun, and lovely humid air (let's just pretend global warming doesn't change anything about that)...
but that's superficial. a big red flag sign.
Let's just start this over... I read in a novel once (The Heist by someone I forgot the name) that Indonesia is the perfect place for scoundrels to hide, first of all, nobody knows about it, second, the corrupt government. again CORRUPT GOVERNMENT.
*I need to take a breather at this point*
it ashamed me, that one of the most noticeable from the country was the corrupt government. goes without saying "Hey I'm from Indonesia , and it's a public secret that we have a corrupt government"
damnit. *again pardon my profanity*
and then this election came. actually it's my first time to vote! I was finally 17 (last year) and I have the right to vote! I know it's an honor to be able to vote. thousands of women and some people in the old days used to be let out of the vote, but not in my country. they were decent enough to let everyone vote when they reach 17.
past that... I was not thrilled, at all.
I already had a bad feeling about this election since the *still* current president was sort of trying to subtly let the country fall into a ruin. since he was not eligible for another round and his party was sort of... scandalized *surprise surprise* I guessed he was trying to at least let the people see the actual jerk he was. yeah, sorry not sorry.
this election, was the dirtiest so far I have ever seen in my 18 years of life.
there were only 2 pairs of candidates, and none of them was promising, so we used the method of seeing the bigger picture beyond the pairs and eliminate which one was better. I daresay, I was proud of my decision. *but let's not get ahead of ourselves*
the first pair was decent, but the most important thing was the party following behind them wasn't that particular jerks party, people might say I'm too young and a bit dogmatic considering by my bringing up. but no no I don't accept that.
that party, people, was the most disgusting and simply idiotic party in Indonesia. I'm not gonna tell you which party was that, but if you are smart you'll find out.
I mean, using blatant lies and turning around the words of people, and simply making the life of innocent unassuming people worse by brainwashing their opinion? ew.
talk about collecting the bully of your school into a one big party, complete with their goons.
GROSS RIGHT? I KNOW.
anyway...
so the second pair was that party's candidate. and suffice to say I just looked past their names and just ignore them. intelligent people with decent conscience will KNOW. sorry I wasn't mean to be condescending... but who was I kidding, even an 18 y.o silly girl realized and saw behind their lies, which was maddeningly lot by the way.
my actual point was to point out some stupid things happening there,
like the black campaigning thing. I mean I give you an ovation, people, that you guys are so GENIUS, you are some story tellers, lie spinners, and amazing graphic designers.
how in the whole world did you guys come up with those ideas? it was beyond me.
simply stunning. and DISGUSTING.
why didn't you use your talent for a GREATER GOOD?
GOD HEAVENS ABOVE.
*okay, take a breath qil.*
if you see those article, internet, you will know why I'm talking like this. the silver lining was, you finally know that indonesia actually have some decent geniuses who were idiots at the same time, amazing, right? and then you will also finally know who's intelligent and who wasn't. sorry if you are offended. they said they value honesty, and I'm *out of character* following them.
post-election. now I thought the quick counts will result in something... better, I guess.
but NO
god.
even the quick count was stupid.
they're different in every media that you. don't. even. know. which one's right and which one's wrong.
I'm still secretly hoping for a tie, you know, to BURN THE STOVE.
okay. don't burn indonesia just yet, I'm planning on taking my family to live abroad, so please...
this take me to another point, the highlight is... living abroad is so NICE. yes the election is happening here, but it doesn't affect us directly.
and not-related but I'm glad the ambassador will change this year, I sort of loose faith in her. and the whole effing government. EVERYWHERE.
well,
that's good enough for today.
don't twist your anything in a bunch because of me, and sorry if you feel offended.
The Comeback (or not)
Hello internet!
I know, I know that I haven't write on this media for a very long time, but that doesn't mean i have forgotten about you, well I guess in some way I did, but just to remind you again that I'm the *technically* busy med student, so yeah, I'm busy. I guess.
anyway, what I'm trying to write here is a little bit about my present condition, the med student in waiting, okay waiting for a new semester to start! was that amazing or amazing? anyway, it was amazing that I'm passing the first year, yes, yes did I tell you that already? I am passing the first year! heck yes. I mean thank God. actually I barely passed, I got a DC (which of course means a big red fail sign hovering above) but then by some strings of miracle, I got a marvelous BB in the final. suffice to say, it was the outstanding for my standard, I mean I barely managed a CC for the whole year.
so, this year, now I am proudly saying I can see a little bit here and there signs of why I was failing. Most of the times were... because I was cursing my life, by my self! I was always regretting the fact that I'm a medstudent, that I'm wasting my family's money... but then I realized... the 'rentals thought that I wanted this, and i guess in some point of my life I did wanted this... so I tried to remind my self of the whys. It wasn't easy and temptation to quit was there in every step of the way. but heck yeah there will always be a temptation along the way. take it as a spice in your soup, you don't want to eat plain cucumber or spinach yogurt soup right? (it was a real soup, mind you)
and then beside that... I guess I was still finding my strategies... did I told you how was my exam system? I'll tell you now, it was messed of to a whole new level. we have an exam in every 1.5 months, with 100 Qs, and from all subjects we studied for that 1.5 months, and it might have been okay if we have some syllabus of some sort but we did NOT, only some angelic lecturers would do that, and some j*rks lecturer will make your life harder to the level of you just want to die and skip those qs *okay I did exaggerated a bit* anyway, beside those messed upness, the scoring system was a b*tch. if in a subject (ex. biochem) there's 16 qs and you got more than half wrong answers, that means your score in that subject will be minus. heck yeah.
so, no random patterning the paper, no it's a no go. i probably got all those Ds from that kind of mistakes.
and yeah, after a very extensively long year *another exaggeration mind you* I finally learned my strategies, which led me to that pretty BB, beautiful baby *corny i know*
so yeah, that's about school...
what about life?
heck, love life?
nope sorry to disappoint, still not going to tie any informal nor formal relationship any soon.
I love my life now *surprise surprise*, I love seeing my peers do stupid inconsequential things that young people *in* love do, and laugh behind their back *okay not really, I swear it was a joke*
talking about this led me to a certain condition, did I tell you about that winter crush? heck yeah, summer crush or fling was a tad bit too mainstream for my liking.
okay okay, I tell you, this crush was... nice to have while it lasted. he was cute, seemingly smart, and most importantly he effing READS. how many cute nice decent guys you know who loves to read? yeah, not lot.
guaranteed, it was a crush, a really nice heart warming cute crush, and most importantly, fun while it lasted.
people, I know any next step will not be happening, especially since he was in a different department, and he never asked my number, or seemingly having intention to, and I'm visiting my the familia this year *tell you details later* so... summer break, no class, no Gaziantep, no signs of his presence... I let it go *cue for Let It Go*
I'll tell you again, I'm still in my principals of ten year (and more) planning, which does not include any relationship, ergo, crush is all there is.
let's move to the next thing then...
I'm visiting Indonesia, yes, heck yeah!
I wasn't planning to go this year, nu uh, but then God gave me this very lovely and amazing present, a friend of mine. she was looking for someone who *her words verbatim* goes home by plane and wants to go home this year.
I mean, home, familia, for free? who can resist it? then... after a little bit of complication in the heart *of the 'rentals* and a tad bit male ego here and there *the Dad's* I received the free tickets to and fro. FREE. TO. AND. FRO.
not gonna tell you how much the tickets worth, which in my mid class life opinion was LOT.
but anyway, I cannot thank you enough for that particular friend. I hope God bless you and your family.
so there's that, I passed the first year *barely*, I'm still happily single and having not intention for anything else *really? way corny qil!*, and I'm visiting my familia this year *cue to the drums*, though due to the current state of indonesia *heck what did I said? current?* I'm really... not in the mood to see the country, not now not ever *I may or may not will tell you more about that later*... sorry guys.
thank you for reading this uninformative, boring, and random post people!
bye!
Aqila
I know, I know that I haven't write on this media for a very long time, but that doesn't mean i have forgotten about you, well I guess in some way I did, but just to remind you again that I'm the *technically* busy med student, so yeah, I'm busy. I guess.
anyway, what I'm trying to write here is a little bit about my present condition, the med student in waiting, okay waiting for a new semester to start! was that amazing or amazing? anyway, it was amazing that I'm passing the first year, yes, yes did I tell you that already? I am passing the first year! heck yes. I mean thank God. actually I barely passed, I got a DC (which of course means a big red fail sign hovering above) but then by some strings of miracle, I got a marvelous BB in the final. suffice to say, it was the outstanding for my standard, I mean I barely managed a CC for the whole year.
so, this year, now I am proudly saying I can see a little bit here and there signs of why I was failing. Most of the times were... because I was cursing my life, by my self! I was always regretting the fact that I'm a medstudent, that I'm wasting my family's money... but then I realized... the 'rentals thought that I wanted this, and i guess in some point of my life I did wanted this... so I tried to remind my self of the whys. It wasn't easy and temptation to quit was there in every step of the way. but heck yeah there will always be a temptation along the way. take it as a spice in your soup, you don't want to eat plain cucumber or spinach yogurt soup right? (it was a real soup, mind you)
and then beside that... I guess I was still finding my strategies... did I told you how was my exam system? I'll tell you now, it was messed of to a whole new level. we have an exam in every 1.5 months, with 100 Qs, and from all subjects we studied for that 1.5 months, and it might have been okay if we have some syllabus of some sort but we did NOT, only some angelic lecturers would do that, and some j*rks lecturer will make your life harder to the level of you just want to die and skip those qs *okay I did exaggerated a bit* anyway, beside those messed upness, the scoring system was a b*tch. if in a subject (ex. biochem) there's 16 qs and you got more than half wrong answers, that means your score in that subject will be minus. heck yeah.
so, no random patterning the paper, no it's a no go. i probably got all those Ds from that kind of mistakes.
and yeah, after a very extensively long year *another exaggeration mind you* I finally learned my strategies, which led me to that pretty BB, beautiful baby *corny i know*
so yeah, that's about school...
what about life?
heck, love life?
nope sorry to disappoint, still not going to tie any informal nor formal relationship any soon.
I love my life now *surprise surprise*, I love seeing my peers do stupid inconsequential things that young people *in* love do, and laugh behind their back *okay not really, I swear it was a joke*
talking about this led me to a certain condition, did I tell you about that winter crush? heck yeah, summer crush or fling was a tad bit too mainstream for my liking.
okay okay, I tell you, this crush was... nice to have while it lasted. he was cute, seemingly smart, and most importantly he effing READS. how many cute nice decent guys you know who loves to read? yeah, not lot.
guaranteed, it was a crush, a really nice heart warming cute crush, and most importantly, fun while it lasted.
people, I know any next step will not be happening, especially since he was in a different department, and he never asked my number, or seemingly having intention to, and I'm visiting my the familia this year *tell you details later* so... summer break, no class, no Gaziantep, no signs of his presence... I let it go *cue for Let It Go*
I'll tell you again, I'm still in my principals of ten year (and more) planning, which does not include any relationship, ergo, crush is all there is.
let's move to the next thing then...
I'm visiting Indonesia, yes, heck yeah!
I wasn't planning to go this year, nu uh, but then God gave me this very lovely and amazing present, a friend of mine. she was looking for someone who *her words verbatim* goes home by plane and wants to go home this year.
I mean, home, familia, for free? who can resist it? then... after a little bit of complication in the heart *of the 'rentals* and a tad bit male ego here and there *the Dad's* I received the free tickets to and fro. FREE. TO. AND. FRO.
not gonna tell you how much the tickets worth, which in my mid class life opinion was LOT.
but anyway, I cannot thank you enough for that particular friend. I hope God bless you and your family.
so there's that, I passed the first year *barely*, I'm still happily single and having not intention for anything else *really? way corny qil!*, and I'm visiting my familia this year *cue to the drums*, though due to the current state of indonesia *heck what did I said? current?* I'm really... not in the mood to see the country, not now not ever *I may or may not will tell you more about that later*... sorry guys.
thank you for reading this uninformative, boring, and random post people!
bye!
Aqila
Thursday 27 February 2014
Another Post of my life
I haven't write much here, and I feel like I was abandoning my pet (well, this shows perfectly that I can't have a pet). My days were actually uneventful, so much that I dunno what's there to write in here. But I really want to write something so, this is it.
A recap for the last few weeks actually... studying studying and studying. Okay, not just studying actually. But we had the committee exam last week, therefore I dedicated most of my days for studying, and a little bit of stressing over things that is not supposed to be stressed over. Well, if you know me, you will know how insecure I am about everything that's going on in my life, so you will let it pass. Anyway, the weird thing is, the last exam, I wasn't actually that nervous, I WAS nervous, just not that much to make me hyperventilate anymore. I sort of like starting to make peace with it. Though, I flunked biochemistry, which by the ways used to be my strongest subject (but most of the class said the questions were impossibly hard, so I may not be the only one who felt idiotic).
Enough with the committee exam, well enough for now, I'll probably post something later regarding the result.
I guess I'm really growing up this year. I have this weird feeling about myself. As Prince Jorg said in the Prince of Thorns (by Mark Lawrence, a book you must read if you like war and throne and that shiz) "When enough days stand between you and the person you were, you're strangers. Maybe that's what growing up is. Maybe I have grown up."
And here I am, as I write this (in the library with cold air and feet smells wafting up in the air) I feel so much different from the girl I was when I arrived in this town of this strange country 5 months ago. I used to pity myself, I used to regret my decision of choosing this major, I used to feel bad of everything. But really, now I think life is just a matter of perspective. I see my life through a new perspective (np: Panic At The Disco!-New Perspective) though still with the same broken glasses.
I accept my life, accept the fact that I live in the city furthest from my dream destination, accept the fact that I'm going to study medicine for the whole six years. I'm no longer depending on the friendship of my own people, I'm starting a new life and I will never look back.
If you said that I'm cruel and I don't miss my perfect highschool life, well you are wrong, I still miss my sort-of highschool friends, I still miss the comfortable life of it, but if I have a choice, I would choose to move on and start this new journey. I'm no longer that girl who afraid of losing friends or anything, because I know I will always have someone, and if they allow me, they will always have me, though not in a fully dependent kind of way.
So, I'm starting to get the hang of this new life of mine. How I meet new people, how they are so entirely different from me, how annoying they are (I specially mention this to you my closest friend in class), but also how it's nice to begin with new things.
Truth be told, I don't even miss my country, I don't miss its humid, overpopulated, untidy towns. I like this place, but I have to go back to that country, because some part of me--by which I mean my family--are there and I STILL miss them.
This, I guess, is one thing that makes me entirely different from my friends. They are so devoted to the country, they still have some patriotic sense. But I've always been like this, ever since I could remember I've always wanted to get the heck out of that country and start a new exhilarating adventure somewhere else. I did tried to reason with my self and tried to find things to love from there, but I guess I wouldn't find any in the near future.
This post is starting to sound cynical, and sarcastic (well have I ever not being sarcastic?) so, sorry for you who actually read this.
Then, another thing that keeps floating in my mind these days is the fact that I don't fit in. I don't fit in with people around me, it's not about being a foreigner, I don't even fit in with my own people. My mind was always somewhere else, my opinion lays somewhere else, my interests are in a different world altogether. But, this is another evidence of me growing up, I have made peace with it. I no longer care about fitting in, I no longer care that I'm the only person who hates weekend, I'm no longer care that I'm a salmon in a school of herrings. See the analogy? I'm a salmon looking my way upstream trapped within a school of herrings, but I will, I'm going to find my way upstream.
I have changed, people, I have grown up. There is no more this phantom ache inside my chest (not my respiration disease obviously) whenever I see my life. and trust me, the feeling is wonderful.
Well then, I guess this is it. Oh, and in a happier and livelier note, I have found a life in the Uni library. I have found a new spot of being alive (by books and free wifi) without people to bug me and all. yeah, I'm totally happier.
So now, I better go back to my Latin study (a long dead obsession that I'm trying to resurrect) I will try to keep you alive, my blog-pet. I will. I guess.
See you soon, and God knows, I love you.
A recap for the last few weeks actually... studying studying and studying. Okay, not just studying actually. But we had the committee exam last week, therefore I dedicated most of my days for studying, and a little bit of stressing over things that is not supposed to be stressed over. Well, if you know me, you will know how insecure I am about everything that's going on in my life, so you will let it pass. Anyway, the weird thing is, the last exam, I wasn't actually that nervous, I WAS nervous, just not that much to make me hyperventilate anymore. I sort of like starting to make peace with it. Though, I flunked biochemistry, which by the ways used to be my strongest subject (but most of the class said the questions were impossibly hard, so I may not be the only one who felt idiotic).
Enough with the committee exam, well enough for now, I'll probably post something later regarding the result.
I guess I'm really growing up this year. I have this weird feeling about myself. As Prince Jorg said in the Prince of Thorns (by Mark Lawrence, a book you must read if you like war and throne and that shiz) "When enough days stand between you and the person you were, you're strangers. Maybe that's what growing up is. Maybe I have grown up."
And here I am, as I write this (in the library with cold air and feet smells wafting up in the air) I feel so much different from the girl I was when I arrived in this town of this strange country 5 months ago. I used to pity myself, I used to regret my decision of choosing this major, I used to feel bad of everything. But really, now I think life is just a matter of perspective. I see my life through a new perspective (np: Panic At The Disco!-New Perspective) though still with the same broken glasses.
I accept my life, accept the fact that I live in the city furthest from my dream destination, accept the fact that I'm going to study medicine for the whole six years. I'm no longer depending on the friendship of my own people, I'm starting a new life and I will never look back.
If you said that I'm cruel and I don't miss my perfect highschool life, well you are wrong, I still miss my sort-of highschool friends, I still miss the comfortable life of it, but if I have a choice, I would choose to move on and start this new journey. I'm no longer that girl who afraid of losing friends or anything, because I know I will always have someone, and if they allow me, they will always have me, though not in a fully dependent kind of way.
So, I'm starting to get the hang of this new life of mine. How I meet new people, how they are so entirely different from me, how annoying they are (I specially mention this to you my closest friend in class), but also how it's nice to begin with new things.
Truth be told, I don't even miss my country, I don't miss its humid, overpopulated, untidy towns. I like this place, but I have to go back to that country, because some part of me--by which I mean my family--are there and I STILL miss them.
This, I guess, is one thing that makes me entirely different from my friends. They are so devoted to the country, they still have some patriotic sense. But I've always been like this, ever since I could remember I've always wanted to get the heck out of that country and start a new exhilarating adventure somewhere else. I did tried to reason with my self and tried to find things to love from there, but I guess I wouldn't find any in the near future.
This post is starting to sound cynical, and sarcastic (well have I ever not being sarcastic?) so, sorry for you who actually read this.
Then, another thing that keeps floating in my mind these days is the fact that I don't fit in. I don't fit in with people around me, it's not about being a foreigner, I don't even fit in with my own people. My mind was always somewhere else, my opinion lays somewhere else, my interests are in a different world altogether. But, this is another evidence of me growing up, I have made peace with it. I no longer care about fitting in, I no longer care that I'm the only person who hates weekend, I'm no longer care that I'm a salmon in a school of herrings. See the analogy? I'm a salmon looking my way upstream trapped within a school of herrings, but I will, I'm going to find my way upstream.
I have changed, people, I have grown up. There is no more this phantom ache inside my chest (not my respiration disease obviously) whenever I see my life. and trust me, the feeling is wonderful.
Well then, I guess this is it. Oh, and in a happier and livelier note, I have found a life in the Uni library. I have found a new spot of being alive (by books and free wifi) without people to bug me and all. yeah, I'm totally happier.
So now, I better go back to my Latin study (a long dead obsession that I'm trying to resurrect) I will try to keep you alive, my blog-pet. I will. I guess.
See you soon, and God knows, I love you.
Sunday 16 February 2014
When A Star Dies
I didn’t believe it when the news came. I mean, he was so alive, with
his visions, his spirits, his love, and his.. life which he no longer had. It
was only two years ago when I really get to know him. I had never remember the
exact day, though, because it was weird loving him, slowly, and then all at
once.
We weren't even in the same class so I didn’t get to see him much. But
we were in the same club, the astronomy club. Frankly, I didn't even interested
in astronomy that much, my best friend was in and she insisted that I joined it
along. I would never regret it though.
Unrelated, but I was slowly falling for astronomy too, the way I fall
for him. So much could be thought under the night sky, so much could be
grateful for, to be scared for, to be… living for.
He wasn't even the most good looking guy I have ever known, didn't mean
to say I was a good looking one my self. With his tall built, he tends to look
down, sometimes making his posture look awkward. But I love how his hair fell
covering his thin-rimmed glasses. He had a weird smile, it wasn't sweet or
anything, but whenever he smiled, I felt like the moon myself, reflecting the
blinding lights from the sun…
I didn't say anything when the news came. What should I say, I mean? The
only person I wanted to tell was him. I imagined myself cocooned by his warmth.
I imagined my self just simply talking to him, listening his deep calm voice. I
already miss him. Truth be told, I had been missing him since last year.
They said graduation change people. It did. At least it changed me, it
changed us, but didn’t changed him. He was so determined, so hardheaded, so… willing
to be with me.
I still feel the guilt, though. I wanted him, I wanted to hear his voice
and all… but I couldn't. I was going to study abroad and he was staying. I was
not a believer in long-distance relationship, never will. Besides, I wasn’t
someone to be tied with any commitment. I'm a free person, I want to roam this
world alone. Though I still wanted him as greedy as I am, he and his stupid
jokes, stupid smile, stupid ideology. I loved him, but not that much to keep
loving him from distance, that much I knew. I guess I would never love someone
that much.
I didn’t even cry when I heard the news. They said the first stage of
grieve is denial. But I was not denying. Although I didn't believe it, I knew
as much that he was no longer here. I knew as much that the sky would not be
smiling tonight. I knew more that I wouldn't ever deny the fact that he was no
longer here.
He was never here with me anymore. I had pushed him away that day.
Exactly a month after graduation. I didn’t know any better ways to depart, it's
better to break any bond between us. At least, that was what my seventeen year
old me thought. I loved him, but it's better if there was no loose ends
trailing behind me if I was going to start a new life abroad. He wasn't exactly
a loose end, but anything that has a probability to go further is a loose end
for me. I wanted to start a new life, at least that was what the adolescent
freshly higshschool graduate me thought.
My one and only regret was that I foolishly believed he was a loose end.
He never was. He was a rope with bond I cut so severely, making him a loose
end.
I didn't came to his funeral. I couldn’t, not because I wouldn’t, but
because it was mid February and the new semester had just started. And he was
five thousand miles away. I wanted to, though. Not because I wanted to see him
for the last time. On the contrary, I wanted to remind my self of what I had
lost.
I was alone on the balcony of my house one night. It was the supermoon,
I think. The moon looked so full and bright and magnificent, and magical. The
whole night felt magical. It was the first night he called me. I had long
forgotten what we were talking about, but I was smiling so much, maybe I was
reflecting the reflected light of the moon. His voice was deep and strong, and
I just loved to hear his voice, his laugh, the way we debated everything.
I still caught myself looking up at the moon at night and thinking about
him. Thinking about the night that changed my life.
I didn't stop walking when I heard the news. It was rainy that day, my
boots sloshed on the puddle, my hair was drenched. But I didn’t stop, I had to
keep walking or else I would be dissolved as if I'm a chalkman in a pouring
rain.
I remembered one afternoon at the club. I was feeling ridiculously
stupid when they were talking about constellation and coordinations and that
shits. Trust me for not being able to read the stars and still in the astronomy
club. I didn’t kid them when I said I wanted to learn from zero, ask me to tell
them the mythology behind and I would, but read the coordination? Thank you. He
was so sweet that day, said he was going to teach me literally from zero, from
how to know where is east and where is west, which I frankly didn’t know.
He did. I loved him for that.
We set up a small amateur observation at night, and he told me
everything. We spent the night sleepless, gazing up to the clear sky, slowly
teaching me about stars while from time to time asking me about what I thought
was the story behind those constellations. We didn’t do anything, didn't even
touch—except when he point my hand to the right direction, we didn't even speak
of anything else beside the stars, but it was by far the most romantic night I
ever had.
I didn’t say any condolences to him, like what most people did when
someone died and they were posting condolences on the dead's profile. It was
mere idiotic for me. Why would we said condolence to the dead? Who were we
trying to fool? Instead, I tried to call his parents, who were probably had
long forgotten about me, but I still tried. Of course the didn’t pick up, of
course.
I still remember the day I met his parents. It was a long exhausting
weekend, we went hiking and the whole night stargazing with the whole astronomy
club. The morning we were so spent and so we called our family to pick us up at
school. Unfortunately, my parents were off to another country that day and my
brother were having an art conference. And my best friend weren't in on that
hike due to her allergy.
I was contemplating on a bus trip when I saw him. He was with his
family, talking animatedly while loading up his bag and telescope. He didn’t look
bad, probably not like me with my limp hair and cramps on my feet. All of a
sudden his gaze fell at me, and he was frowning, I tried to look busy, checking
out my dead cell. I remember he told me to stop being ridiculous and just go
with his family. I remembered still trying to argue and looked capable of going home alone.
But he was so gallant, and stubborn, he took my bag unceremoniously and
loaded it to his parents' car. His parents look unwinded that their son
suddenly took up a stray cat like me. instead they welcome me so easily. I loved
him, and his parents.
I didn’t reply on any messages, I didn’t deserve people's condolences. They
knew we were so close, but they didn’t know that I was the one who put the
distance between me and him. My best friend though, know everything about me.
She knew almost everything that happened between me and him. Almost.
I remembered my first kiss, it was only a chaste kiss, fast and light as
butterfly. He was my first kiss, the one who wins all first kiss in the world. For
one, he didn’t steal it. It was a cold rainy day that afternoon. I had the club
cleaning up duty, and he as stubborn as ever, insisted on waiting for me. He
was watching me with intensity that made me feel awkward, but he didn’t say
anything. I tried to pry his mind, but he said, he was trying to figure out
what kind of constellation I was. He said my mind and heart were two bright
stars… I didn’t remember the details though, because at last, when I put the
last book on the shelves, he put his hand lightly on my cheek and kiss me.
I cried finally when I was finally alone in my room. It wasn’t an ugly
cry with shouts and all. It was like I was leaking with tears. I was dissolving in tears. Every emotions,
every memories of him came back to my mind like there was a supernova in my
brain.
He was a star. The moment I pushed him away he shrinked , he died slowly
the way stars did.
They said he died of leukemia. Several months after our graduation he
fell ill. But I didn’t know. Of course I didn’t. I had no right to know.
I had cut our bond that day. I had tried to be what I wanted, a free
commitmentless girl who fly across the ocean to start a new life. I had put him
in my mind's blackhole. I did loved him, though. I really did.
I missed him, always, though I had never admitted it. My mind may have a
blackhole, but my heart doesn’t.
He was always there, on the brink of my heart.
I had cut our bond, put him in a blackhole of my mind, but I couldn’t erased
his shadow completely from my heart.
It's raining today. It was raining the day I heard the news. It was
raining the day we depart. It was raining the day he kissed me for the first
time.
I stand alone in front of his grave, wet from the rain, and the smell of wet earth and grasses wafting in the air. I believe he wasn't going to know that I'm here
anyway, so I don’t say anything. I just stared at his plot and trying to
conjure up his smile. His name carved on the stone, and I suddenly remember
what he said one day. "When a star
dies, it either leaves as a blackhole, or as a bright explosion. If I died, I
wanted to leave a bright light." I admired him so much, I still admire
him.
And he did, he leave some bright memories of him, his bright visions, his
bright smile, his voice still played in my mind. He didn't leave a blackhole in
my life.
I don't have the right to shed any tears, but a single one escape. He would
have been twenty one right now. I could have heard of his achievment as a
bright scholar. But of course I would hear no more of him.
I still regret it though, the way I pushed him away. I should have kept
the bond. I should have kept what we had. At times I still questioned my
decision, my choice, my testament of life. But I know he would be mad if he
knew I spent my life regretting my decisions. He would say in his deep voice
that I should keep what I believe.
I just wished I believed in what we had, believed in him for once.
Monday 10 February 2014
In which the winter is over
Okay. So this is officially the end of the break. And.. Probably the end of my peaceful life too.
I am not a good person, and I probably won't be one, ever. No matter how much people are getting tired and mad and everything at me... I just don't understand of what they want, them, the housemates.. I mean.. Okay some of it were actually my fault, but I just don't understand of what you want. I. Really. Don't.
Anyway, this probably will result in me being deported from this house to.. Dormitory maybe. I hope. I mean... I just can't go out and socialize and do stupid togetherness thing with the housemates. I just can't. My mom would probably blame me for every problem I faced right now.. But well.. I can't do it mom! I can go to school and studying and else, but I can't live in a house like this. Call me spoiled brats or anything... Really... I don't care. Because I am. I can't live with other people ever. Ever.
posted by the devil wears glasses
Monday 20 January 2014
Sickdays
It's unusual for me to post more than one a day, but I really need to let this out. I'm sick, I haven't been feeling well since last week.
I know it's not anyone's business but.. There's no harm in telling this.
Anyhow, it was actually my fault that I'm ill right now. I haven't been eating regularly since I came to this town. Not because I'm not hungry though, just because som reasons.. And now I feel completely stupid.
I have gastritic which I actually been having since ages ago. But it gets worse right now.. And I'm trying to control it so it won't get worse.
And... I think.. That gastritic led to headache. Now I'm also having an annoying headache and dizziness. For this I know nothing of what causing it.. I haven't been having this kind of headache again until now.
Problem is... I don't want to go to the doctor. Ironic isn't it? I'm a med student but I don't even want to go see he doctor. Not because I'm scared or what.. It's just everything more likely become complicated by seeing a doctor. And of course I don't have the budget... Though the rentals will obviously be backing everything.. I still feel like a burden and a brat...
It was my fault that I get sick and making everything hard for them...
So now I tried to lay and sleep for a sufficient time. Eat healthy food. And... Telling my self that I'm healthy. *placebo effect*
I really want to go somewhere in this break. But I'm afraid if I go too far I'll get sicker and ruin this year. *please god no*
Then... Thanks for people who cares about my well being.. And who still checks on me..
Love
Posted via Blogaway
Winter Break Phase One
Hello folks!
I haven't been updating because.the wifi is dead. DEAD. I hate it. But... That's okay, I will live :(
Last week was.. boring.. because nothing much happens. Except maybe the winter break happens, why I didn't call it a holiday? Because obviously nothing is to be celebrated by this break. I mean really, 2 weeks? And a committee exam after that. You may kill me right now.
The good thing from this break is that I could stay at the flat alone. Like literally alone. I could have gone to my friends' place or somewhere but who am I to reject this perfect opportunity of living alone? I could try how does it feel to live alone, so someday when I have enough budget I can rent my own flat and get the hell out of them. Okay that sounds hardcore for a girl but if you know me enough you will not feel weird.
Living alone is... Fun. First of all I don't have to care for another living being, and I don't have to avoid people, because clearly the closest living beings are the neighbors and I can't even speak to them. Second, there are no people means that I don't have to cook for them or wake them or wait for them so I can eat. I hate the awkward moments when you are hungry but the others are not and then you either eat alone or wait until they are hungry. Eating alone is only nice when you are really alone. Third, I can play music and sing aaaalll the time without getting self conscious. I can even.play the music out loud. No more headset and all that. Fourth, I can go anywhere I want without people patronizing me and blah blah... I can even go out at night and nobody will care! But trust me, I haven't go out yet because I'm still a self-conscious girl.
You know what's funny? My 'rentals.
Their words upon my living alone are: "Well if you sure you are not going to be lonely then that's okay. You can try it out, you may know how does it feel later and blah.. Blah.."
It's not that I'm asking them to be worried or else.. It's just.. Awesome. I mean, I'm their only daughter who lives alone abroad and they're not even worried. I have awesome 'rentals.
Anyhow.. This is the first post of the week and practically start the winter break.
Stay awesome!
Posted via Blogaway
Saturday 11 January 2014
Dear You,
Dear you,
Sometimes in your life you feel alone, stupid, and worthless. Sometimes there are moments when you just want to vanish, to leave, to run, or simply to die. The moments you feel like everything is slipping away from you... and self-depreciation is inevitable, when suicidal thoughts float on your mind. It's okay.It's okay.
You are not alone. Everyone feel bad at some point of their lives, but it was not the right reason to die. Just because you feel worthless doesn't mean it's right to end your life. It's okay to feel that way sometimes, I would never blame you that you feel low sometimes, because it will anchor your head to your shoulders and keeping your feet on the ground.
But keep this in your mind, that I would never forgive you if you end your life. There is no reasons in this world acceptable to kill yourself. Remember this, no matter how worthless you feel I love you, no matter how much you hate yourself, I love you. Know this, there is someone out there loving you too, there is someone who still need you in his life, who will be devastated when you're gone.
Hey you, I know you feel you are just a stupid spoiled disgusting eighteen years old brat. But hey, do you realise you have lived for eighteen years? You are awesome for passing those years in highschool! You are a bright star! Remember how stars can only shine whenever the sun is set? Do you know that the sun is just a tiny star? Compare to the stars, the sun doesn't even shine that bright.
You, you are a star, a bright star. But remember that the stars only shine at night? You are a star, your sun just has not set yet. Your sun is your feel of worthlessness, therefore, appreciate your self. Love your self, set that sun, and shine. Shine bright in the deepest night. You, you will be shine, just maybe not now. You will find the right night, the right moment, I believe you will. So why shouldn't you?
Believe. Struggle. Shine. Breathe. Live. Love.
Hey you, do you know how many people in the world struggle to live? Struggle just to breathe? You, do you know there are people out there who envies you, just for being able to breathe, to stand, to run, to walk, to sit, to sleep easily? There are people out there who can not be like you, want to be like you. Do you know how precious you are? How awesome you are? Please know this, I appreciate you, I adore you, I love you. So why shouldn't you?
Now, you know how I feel, right? How I want you so much to keep breathing? How much I will devastated if you're gone? You are a star, my star, You are my life. Keep breathing, keep on struggling, your night will come. I love you, so much. Keep this in your mind, your heart, your soul. I will never blame you for feeling unworthy, for feeling stupid, for being mad at your self. I believe in you, I put my faith in you, just because I love you. So why shouldn't you?
Love,
Me
Sometimes in your life you feel alone, stupid, and worthless. Sometimes there are moments when you just want to vanish, to leave, to run, or simply to die. The moments you feel like everything is slipping away from you... and self-depreciation is inevitable, when suicidal thoughts float on your mind. It's okay.It's okay.
You are not alone. Everyone feel bad at some point of their lives, but it was not the right reason to die. Just because you feel worthless doesn't mean it's right to end your life. It's okay to feel that way sometimes, I would never blame you that you feel low sometimes, because it will anchor your head to your shoulders and keeping your feet on the ground.
But keep this in your mind, that I would never forgive you if you end your life. There is no reasons in this world acceptable to kill yourself. Remember this, no matter how worthless you feel I love you, no matter how much you hate yourself, I love you. Know this, there is someone out there loving you too, there is someone who still need you in his life, who will be devastated when you're gone.
Hey you, I know you feel you are just a stupid spoiled disgusting eighteen years old brat. But hey, do you realise you have lived for eighteen years? You are awesome for passing those years in highschool! You are a bright star! Remember how stars can only shine whenever the sun is set? Do you know that the sun is just a tiny star? Compare to the stars, the sun doesn't even shine that bright.
You, you are a star, a bright star. But remember that the stars only shine at night? You are a star, your sun just has not set yet. Your sun is your feel of worthlessness, therefore, appreciate your self. Love your self, set that sun, and shine. Shine bright in the deepest night. You, you will be shine, just maybe not now. You will find the right night, the right moment, I believe you will. So why shouldn't you?
Believe. Struggle. Shine. Breathe. Live. Love.
Hey you, do you know how many people in the world struggle to live? Struggle just to breathe? You, do you know there are people out there who envies you, just for being able to breathe, to stand, to run, to walk, to sit, to sleep easily? There are people out there who can not be like you, want to be like you. Do you know how precious you are? How awesome you are? Please know this, I appreciate you, I adore you, I love you. So why shouldn't you?
Now, you know how I feel, right? How I want you so much to keep breathing? How much I will devastated if you're gone? You are a star, my star, You are my life. Keep breathing, keep on struggling, your night will come. I love you, so much. Keep this in your mind, your heart, your soul. I will never blame you for feeling unworthy, for feeling stupid, for being mad at your self. I believe in you, I put my faith in you, just because I love you. So why shouldn't you?
Love,
Me
Wednesday 8 January 2014
Eighteen
Can you believe it that this girl finally turns eighteen? I mean, eight-freaking-teen. God, how fast time flies... okay that was a bit of an exaggeration, I mean yeah well I have to turn eighteen at some point. But why now? Because it's January *freaking* Fifth! (okay tell me if I should stop with the freaking, because I AM freaking out right now)
As ages come and go, 17 is probably the longest one until now, or at least so long I've been living...
Seventeen has given me lots, like LOTS of things. Probably the most character changing age ever. Not that I have found out who I am, and what I'm doing in this earth, I just feel more settled. Probably because of the fact that I'm no longer an "innocent" *blech* highschool student, but actually a cool *blech* med-school student. And now I'm living like 5.369 miles (8640 km) away from the place where I grew up, which probably can change someone a lot more. The seventeen year old me had realised that life is not just about studying abroad and achieving the dreams, it's also about meeting new people, having new family, understanding the differences, assimilation, acceptance, and the fall down of one's common sense.
Life was a real roller coaster last year, I mean, this girl had big tests to take, several anxieties to surpass, and several problems to tackle, all *mostly* by herself. Really, don't say that "i wasn't alone and blah blah blah..." I was alone, who can help me surpass the anxiety of the university acceptance? of the staying abroad? of starting a new life? of being a sunny shiny person that everyone loves?? *okay the latter was completely out of topic* the point is, I was alone, and I SURVIVE, I LIVE, I'M AWESOME!
So... seventeen was also the last birthday I got to celebrate in the dormitory.. which was bittersweet... I got like another eggs on my head, flour everywhere... and a freaking PARAMORE'S PARAMORE album :")
thank you so much for the lovelies who bought me that, I mean they're waiting for April in order to be able to give me the present... sweet :*
Seventeen also the age when I get to know what a winter feels like, and how beautiful a cold world can be. Which is probably unforgettable... (But I'm still mad at you Jack Frost! Why you only gave us a week of snow? I believe in you you knooooow)
Anyway, now I'm no longer seventeen. Sad? Not really. Truth be told, I don't feel much of any different... though somethings are definitely new.
I've got these revelations...
For starters, now I believe in sweet things. I mean, no one has ever done something so sweet like making a surprise for my birthday, I mean, admit it when your birthday is always in the breaks what can you do except holed up at home? Yeah, so this year, my new family-- a.k.a the Antepia girls-- had successfully made a sweet surprise for me. Something that is definitely has never been happened to me.
They came to my apartment complete with the cake! I mean, I knew people were busy with their exams, so what would I expect? No, it really wasn't what I expected... they even waited for long in front of the apartment's gate in the cold weather. What should I say? I have never loved somegirl friends sisters so much... *I don't even have a real sister by the way* anyway they are soooo sweet. :") and I now believe that sweet things may happen to me.
Second, now I believe that there are some people in the world that you are destined to meet and know and just clicked. I mean, how do you explain the feeling of comfort when you are talking to someone whom you have just met 4 months ago? I'm not that open to random people, but when I feel like someone is worth talking to, then I will talk to him/her. And so far in my life, I have only known like 6 people that I could completely be open to This is my eighteen years old revelation.
Third, some classmates are just want to see me burn the world, it is true that my classmates are probably will be the same for the following 6 years, but, I just do not trust some them. There are some evil people who are simply evil. I mean, we are in the same group, but they are strictly sort of like ignoring me as if I am a shadow. Seriously, b*tches just because I cannot speak your language well doesn't mean that you are allowed to ignore me. You may as well go to Tartarus for all I care. I dislike you and your dwarfiness so much it kills my keyboard. I want to strangle you and throw you through our professor window.
Okay this post is getting trashy, I apologise deeply. My point is eighteen makes me totally completely realise that college is, waaaay harsher than Highschool. Yeah, that's sort of like sad for a new age revelation, but this is world, sadness is completely understandable and expected even.
Fourth, that I'm still alive and well, and just more grateful and wiser *really?*. I've been spending more than 12 years of my life thinking of suicide, but well, here I am, still alive and well, and sunny shiny like a perfect daughter and girl I should be (sorry this post is getting cynical right now). I just realised that, I could be thinking of wanting to die, but it's was actually helping me to stay afloat in this life ocean. One can be broken, messed up and mental but one can survive, you have to believe in that.
Weeeell, this post is getting weirder. I was actually trying to write about my birthday thingy, but I got carried away... so, my first birthday in Turkey was... nice. I got an instant make over, a cute blanket, an small meaningful gift, and a Dan Brown's book. I think everything is awfully awesome :D
And of course, some of those revelations...
In the end, thank you for putting up with me and my various blogs and social medias, and my constant babbling. and Happy *creepy lated* Eighteen for me!
Stay Awesome
As ages come and go, 17 is probably the longest one until now, or at least so long I've been living...
Seventeen has given me lots, like LOTS of things. Probably the most character changing age ever. Not that I have found out who I am, and what I'm doing in this earth, I just feel more settled. Probably because of the fact that I'm no longer an "innocent" *blech* highschool student, but actually a cool *blech* med-school student. And now I'm living like 5.369 miles (8640 km) away from the place where I grew up, which probably can change someone a lot more. The seventeen year old me had realised that life is not just about studying abroad and achieving the dreams, it's also about meeting new people, having new family, understanding the differences, assimilation, acceptance, and the fall down of one's common sense.
Life was a real roller coaster last year, I mean, this girl had big tests to take, several anxieties to surpass, and several problems to tackle, all *mostly* by herself. Really, don't say that "i wasn't alone and blah blah blah..." I was alone, who can help me surpass the anxiety of the university acceptance? of the staying abroad? of starting a new life? of being a sunny shiny person that everyone loves?? *okay the latter was completely out of topic* the point is, I was alone, and I SURVIVE, I LIVE, I'M AWESOME!
So... seventeen was also the last birthday I got to celebrate in the dormitory.. which was bittersweet... I got like another eggs on my head, flour everywhere... and a freaking PARAMORE'S PARAMORE album :")
thank you so much for the lovelies who bought me that, I mean they're waiting for April in order to be able to give me the present... sweet :*
Seventeen also the age when I get to know what a winter feels like, and how beautiful a cold world can be. Which is probably unforgettable... (But I'm still mad at you Jack Frost! Why you only gave us a week of snow? I believe in you you knooooow)
Anyway, now I'm no longer seventeen. Sad? Not really. Truth be told, I don't feel much of any different... though somethings are definitely new.
I've got these revelations...
For starters, now I believe in sweet things. I mean, no one has ever done something so sweet like making a surprise for my birthday, I mean, admit it when your birthday is always in the breaks what can you do except holed up at home? Yeah, so this year, my new family-- a.k.a the Antepia girls-- had successfully made a sweet surprise for me. Something that is definitely has never been happened to me.
They came to my apartment complete with the cake! I mean, I knew people were busy with their exams, so what would I expect? No, it really wasn't what I expected... they even waited for long in front of the apartment's gate in the cold weather. What should I say? I have never loved some
Second, now I believe that there are some people in the world that you are destined to meet and know and just clicked. I mean, how do you explain the feeling of comfort when you are talking to someone whom you have just met 4 months ago? I'm not that open to random people, but when I feel like someone is worth talking to, then I will talk to him/her. And so far in my life, I have only known like 6 people that I could completely be open to This is my eighteen years old revelation.
Third, some classmates are just want to see me burn the world, it is true that my classmates are probably will be the same for the following 6 years, but, I just do not trust some them. There are some evil people who are simply evil. I mean, we are in the same group, but they are strictly sort of like ignoring me as if I am a shadow.
Okay this post is getting trashy, I apologise deeply. My point is eighteen makes me totally completely realise that college is, waaaay harsher than Highschool. Yeah, that's sort of like sad for a new age revelation, but this is world, sadness is completely understandable and expected even.
Fourth, that I'm still alive and well, and just more grateful and wiser *really?*. I've been spending more than 12 years of my life thinking of suicide, but well, here I am, still alive and well, and sunny shiny like a perfect daughter and girl I should be (sorry this post is getting cynical right now). I just realised that, I could be thinking of wanting to die, but it's was actually helping me to stay afloat in this life ocean. One can be broken, messed up and mental but one can survive, you have to believe in that.
Weeeell, this post is getting weirder. I was actually trying to write about my birthday thingy, but I got carried away... so, my first birthday in Turkey was... nice. I got an instant make over, a cute blanket, an small meaningful gift, and a Dan Brown's book. I think everything is awfully awesome :D
And of course, some of those revelations...
In the end, thank you for putting up with me and my various blogs and social medias, and my constant babbling. and Happy *creepy lated* Eighteen for me!
Stay Awesome
Saturday 4 January 2014
The 2014
Let's say our warmest welcome to 2014!
Yep, if you still haven't know yet (I mean, where in the world are you?) we have changed the calendar into 2014, no longer 2013 no longer highschool (for me), and we have proven to the universe that 2012 movie was a JOKE. But seriously, do you really believe that the end of the world is predictable? No? Then you are genius, congrats!
Anyway, here I am, perfectly fine, except for some mental disposition, in this new year.
I have passed all the test for 2013! Congrats my self!
First, I overcome my sadness over not getting any medal in the Science Olympiad, but that was actually stupid, so.. juvenile, except it actually helps to get a good college, but let's just say that I HAD PASSED those days of Olympiad thingy...
Second, the biggest fear of 12 grader in Indonesia, The National Final Exam. I PASSED that, Albeit sadly I had to say that it wasn't my maximum performance, I mean seriously, I got perfect score for chemistry but the lowest score for biology? Isn't that so tragic since I wanted to get into med school?
Anyway, here we go the Third, getting into a college, it's a truth universally acknowledge that a twelfth grade student with pretty good scores is in search of good universities, so then, I applied, to another country even, Turkey! I actually did applied to a uni in my country, but I'm like 70% sure that I wasn't gonna be accepted, so yeah, I was taking all my chances and took Turkey.
well truth be told, I wasn't even the slightest bit interested with the country, but the thoughts of getting definitely closer to Europe made took the chances and risk everything, including the rentals' money.
You might want me to shut up and just get to the point, aaaand, the point is, I PASSED THAT TOO! Blimey, I still cannot believe that I'm in Turkey right now *total lies* I totally believe that I could be here, and I do stay in Turkey right now. (For more detail about this girl living abroad will be on the post right next!)
That's probably the biggest events in 2013, another thing like Paramore newest album, graduation, my sudden addiction to make up, my boring summer, and my first winter will probably be on the next posts *I have a kickass wifi connection so I'm pretty optimistic about it*.
Well, then let's move on from the 2013 shall we?! *see the exclamation mark shows how eager I am*
I have a feeling that 2014 will be MORE awesome than ever, seriously, I mean, I'm no longer stuck in Indonesia, but actually living abroad and definitely closer to Greece!
And I'm now a college student, probably still a childish college student, but who cares? You know the Latin saying, "tempora mutantur, nos et mutamur in illis" which means time is changing and I'm changing with it, I will change, for better or worse, only God knows and me the one who decides.
This year, I'm not going to make any resolutions or letter or anything, I just want one thing, for all to be looking up and better, also for being able to see 2015.
I'm quite content with what I have now *except for the fact that my recent scores are disgusting, tell ya later about it and I still haven't got any scholarship yet*, I am grateful for the other things, like me being able to live abroad, to meet new people and new family, to experience a snowy winter--which by the way only lasted like a week--to know new things, and definitely to be widened intellectually and emotionally.
Oh, don't forget that I'm going to be 18 this year! Um, I'm supposedly 18 now in Indonesia, but see the time differences changes everything.. but yeah, I'm 18! Which means I can have my own cell phone number in this country, and in some I now can legally marry and drink *um just kidding! Really don't shoot me!* but really I'm not completely in this 18 thing, because now I can't call me the seventeen year old girl anymore, and now I'm completely not under my parents' provision anymore, uh I hate growing up...
-- Paramore said in their song "Ain't it fun, living in the real world... Ain't it good, being all alone..." it was actually... not completely true! It was like one of few things I disagree from them. Living in the real world is NOT that fun! and you will never be alone, for better or worse--
Now, I have no idea of what I'm going to say more, but, I think this enough for a welcoming post to a new year. In the end, stay tuned folks, I'm going to write more and better things, actually, that's probably means more babbling and less understandable thoughts, but it's not like I'm going to corrupt anyone here...*see the babbles?*
Stay Awesome
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